~songs in my head~
没有地球太阳还是会绕.But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you. I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah ~ MOTTO ~ :: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. :: ~ THOUGHTS ~ By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28) For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. "God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21) "I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Hit Counters |
:: juz taking a moment to remember ::
Friday, February 29, 2008 5:08 PM
亲爱的, 那并不是爱情. 但再怎么美丽也只能是曾经 it's the end of another week, and my favourite weekend starts from tonight! these two days have been relatively happy. :) met wx yesterday and we had ajisan! and while we were taking photos, this mad man came and run past her suddenly. it took me a second to realise the mad man is victor ma! haha.. damn comical. so end up we accompanied him to eat and he accompanied us to shop. (my 3rd time at bugis village in 2 weeks!) but he was the 1st one to spend $$ on this vintage bag from a girl's shop which he claimed he wants to put his laptop in, fine, but he tried to bargain and 'flirt' with the salesgirl haha. so i asked her to ignore him. but gd that he spent at that shop cuz now i only need another $18 before i can get my member card! (cause me and constance spent $99 last week there :D) and wx bought like 4 tops (three of them at 1 shop! haha) and i got a pretty pair of denim blue skinnies that can pass off as levi's. it's a tad too tight but since i am exercising nowadays, i shall attempt to reduce my hips haha. either that or i keep washing them till they expand. :) and i came to work this morning seeing a msn message that made me "GLAI" (wx had to remind me what GLAI means cuz i haven GLAI for so long haha...) though i dont think it means anything but its just kinda funny and interesting cuz i nv ever thought of such a scenario before.. sometimes, when you dont expect anything, you will receive sth that makes u smile. just like monday's dream, also made me smiled. so no mon blues tis week. and today is 29th Feb, leap year only happens once every 4 years. somehow i feel that from now onwards, good things will be happening. 4 years ago, on a leap year, a gd thing happened too, so hopefully this year also :D so i will change my blog from 1st march onwards. so ask me for the new url and update your links! and today, zaidi came back to visit! eunice was like 'xiuyun, xiuyun, xiuyun' 3 times to get my attention! (funny that she started calling me that also) then i turned ard and saw zaidi i went 'oh my gosh eunice!' hahah.. after he left, the office has become somewhat dull.. hahaha.. hes kinda charismatic.. mark too.. but prob impossible for mark to fly back fr UK haha. but zaidi nv say hi to us lor! but anyway i left later than eunice today for the 1st time ever. cuz last min OT. so was late for my facial but anyway the facial was so relaxing i almost fell asleep while thinking of some things in the past. just some memories and happy smiling images here and there n then thinking sadly tt i've lost my throne for gd, but overall in a 'recalling' manner and not affected adversely manner. a gd start. the sad thing is my f21 mezza satin dress is gone forever. sigh. cuz the spree organiser screw up for 3 mths. now i got spree phobia. cross my fingers that f21 will have it again haha. super tired. past few days haven been slping well again, dont know why i wake up every single day at 6plus. wed night was the worst, i woke up at 1 plus when i slept close to 1 (thinking eh they are at zouk!), 2 plus (thinking the same thing), and 6 plus.. like so pissed off lah! hope i can sleep better soon. something i saw today: Labels: a woman's work is never done, God is good all the time, i have atrocious friends 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Thursday, February 28, 2008 12:06 PM
awwwwwww so sadddddddd You have NOT been offered any GSS placement in the first round.
However, we will inform you via email within the next 2-3 weeks with more details on the second round of placement. kinda expected since i din get any email but at least i dint get the rejection email YET! a tiny weeny bit of chance is still better than zero. well if no korea, then at least can go Taiwan with my family ba.. every cloud has a silver lining. pray hard hard that both me and siting get selected.. if not if one person i dont think i will go also. my an neong ha saeyo is not enough. aww i miss the korean lessons with shuwan! :) i'm going for my 1st facial tml, hope it wont be painful! and my nails are now wine red (fingers) and dark purple (as usual for toes). i like! a question came to my mind: Would you prefer a smiling lie, or a tearful truth? Some say 'Ignorance is bliss' but i would rather face up to a tearful truth than find out that the smiling lies were fabricated just to tide me over. i think i would always be most honest with someone who really means alot to me. it is just uncomfortable if you cannot be truthful with others when you are going to spend the rest of your life with them. thinking back, i am actually glad that at least things didn't end immediately at one point, that we were still struggling through it but still had some happy times. if not i guess i would have felt worst at that kind of ending. we tried, we failed, and maybe thats better than never trying at all. at least i got the token on the forehead, which meant so much to me. "Never frown, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile". Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Wednesday, February 27, 2008 5:56 PM
this kind of life has got me ON THE RUN! I WILL BE MOVING SOON, its still the same blog but ask me for the new url on msn if theres no more mintyvintage maybe one day, i would use back mintyvintage... or maybe i will like another name.. hard to say.. and if you lose my new url, maybe i m back at mintyvintage. haha. mintyvintage.blogspot has actually been with me for 2 years, I didnt know that. though i still like mintyvintage alot, but sometimes change is necessary, or the only constant in life change supposedly keeps you from feeling too routine or mundane. whatever zzz. and the new lyrics scroll is so useful! BUT mintyvintage.livejournal (retail therapy for you loves -_-) is still available tho if anyone wants to buy my stuff haha :) i'm pretty off online shopping nowadays, although the USD dollar is like only 1.4 now?? partly cuz the sprees i joined are dragging and i haven even got my f21 mezza satin dress, and my polariod, sigh.. :( so in the meantime i'm just trying to clear the clothes that i like but dont love so that i can save up the money... its time to think about the future.. its always better to have more savings. and i was supposed to go zouk with siting, roland and the rest tonight but in the end i changed my mind. i guess its true that one person can change his or her mind easily even about something that they want alot.. if we can convince ourselves of the reason for changing our minds. acty i wanted to go zouk for sometime le.. but i am really too tired.. havent been sleeping well these days, every night i will wake at 4plus or 6plus.. these two timings.. weird.. so i decided not to join them this time, hopefully it wont be the last time.. although many of them are graduating le.. one of my fav songs from Love revolution. just makes me want to watch the jap drama again! haha! When will I hold you? (Love Revolution OST.) So many times I said to myself So many times I've seen in the street *When will I hold you so tight in my arms So many times I've loved in the past, *Repeat When will I hold you so tight in my arms Signing off, Labels: i have atrocious friends, lyrics, why must we label everything?, youtube 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Tuesday, February 26, 2008 6:18 PM
my undying love for shoes at least i m not posting pictures of heels again right :D these are just so casual and converse-sporty like.. haha.. probably dont match most of my clothes, i know, i know!   how about ballet like shoes? i dont love this.. but its cute..  at first, i thought these oxford boots are pretty ugly when i saw them. but they have grown on me. something quirky and eccentric about the shoelaces that really grabs my attention.  and there are the peep toe cutie versions. white and black are my favorite! look at that shiny black surface.. can use as mirror haha.   and these are gorgeous, again the shiny black one really gets to me.. but i am really afraid that the sizings wont fit...   i just really really want a pair of boots to call my own.. now that theres oxford boots, what about my just-below-knee suede boots? hmmm... dilemmas... make life interesting but u might as well kill me. Signing off, no more ink. Labels: whoever invented fashion committed an atrocious crime 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Monday, February 25, 2008 9:08 PM
gratitude and sweetness before i forget this moment i want to write it down so that someday i will come back and know i once felt this way. i dont care what anyone thinks but it means so much that i must have it on record. i went jogging just now, and aft that i decided to hang ard my void deck area and the nearby blks where i spent many moments with him in the early part of our r/s to feel how it was like before and let the memories flow into me. to be sad once and for all. it was tears mixed with sweat, and each smile that i got from thinking of a sweet memory turned into tears. i sat at the exact spots, where we used to hang out after sch, refusing to go home, just for that one more min, where i first kissed him on the cheek, where we first took photos tog, where he was sitting with moomoo, my 1st bday present, where we sat with tigger the day before he was enlisting, the times we studied there... and everything, our faces, the images, the details came rushing like water flowing into a river. mostly memories from the first 2 yrs. reminds me of all the love before. and then i felt relieved from the tears and i wanted to push myself more, to face all the hidden fears and emotions and walk all the way to his house, stand there and recall everything, cuz i rmb the first time he sent me home and walked home himself, he said he counted 1000 steps. i had the urge to find out if it was really true. but i didnt, in the end. and i came back and i saw the bday present he did for me in 2006, the book full of photos, comics, song lyrics and written memories of us. it was so so sweet. he drew me comics, he wrote and mailed me letters, he studied with me at mac without a complaint during my 1st 2 yrs in uni, he drove over in the middle of night just to fetch me home cuz i quarrelled with wx over marketing.. i still rmb someone said we were so sweet to still write each other letters. and i read in my diary how those times that i was so down abt my studies and family, he was there to cheer me up, to support me, and i feel so grateful for all the love before. looking back, i was really chubby and fat back then. and he was really young looking. but then we were very much in love. and there were all the 'i hope we would withstand time and cirumstances' and 'our feelings would not change' things we said... thank you, thank you for giving me such good memories memories i hope i wont forget but be able to incorporate into my life without hurting me thank you for such joy and the deep love and care that you once showed me and from the book of memories u gave me, i have no doubts you really did loved me before. and i think with all the photos and records of our love, i wont forget even tho i will move on we had a happy past tog and i hope that we will each be happy in future again words dont express how i all feel inside, but its a warm, wistful, sweet, sad, but touching realisation that those are the past. but at least, i once experienced. today i really feel the meaning of 曾经拥有就够了. the mars and venus book is right, we must remember the love we shared, and find forgiveness for the bad times. i dont want to stay angry or keep asking why anymore. rmbing the love makes me feel more comforted that it wasnt one-sided nor did i loved in vain. things changed, yes, but what will be, will be. i'll leave my life to God. Signing off, no more ink. Labels: growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 5:02 PM
insights to keep me going i think keeping a blog or diary really helps one to keep track and recall our lives. once again, i went back to reading the archives.. http://mintyvintage.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_archive.html they really brought back alot of happy memories. it was 2004, i just got to know him, seeing him on the bus to sch everyday, and then we got tog, how happy i was back then, etc.. when reading them, it brought back a sweet feeling but also kind of wistful.. i thk a r/s is so... or most loving and blissful when it just starts off, maybe cuz there are no complications. but these are history, its a closed chapter of my life, i am grateful that period of happiness, but now i start on a clean slate. endings bring opportunities, they say. who knows, i might meet someone soon just like 4 years ago, so random. also gained some wisdom/insight from reading abt my past.. they say you can always learn from history, how true.. some of the quotes that i wrote before: The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you cant go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
I have found the best way to love; thats to love thru my heart, and not thru my memories. maybe its hard for me to digest because things happened so quickly. and i m left doubting, thinking why its so easy for him to move on. was it just a puppy love towards me? if not i have no other explanations.. (shant start this whole lengthy discussion again).. i'm not asking for anything but for me to move out of these shadows.. just so that i wont feel the kind of sadness and pain that still surfaces when i think about it. anyway i also saw this: just read lm's blog... lolz... v interesting & funny recount of yesterday... i'm gg jogging today! yay! Signing off, no more ink. Labels: growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Sunday, February 24, 2008 9:48 PM
why the mtvs of past eras are so... meaningless compared to today's mtv that typically has some story. haha. but the song is still, sweet.. but, too bad.. it doesnt apply anymore Labels: youtube 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 9:44 PM
wu ke qun is v cute! and i love his voice. Labels: youtube 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 9:13 PM
he has a v nice smile, and this song is so sad and touching. Labels: youtube 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 6:38 PM
Quite addictive, this song... Labels: youtube 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Saturday, February 23, 2008 9:47 PM
The shadows follow me, and the night wont set me free. these days i got to experience what real working life might be like, the work that i am doing, plus witnessing what my colleagues are doing. its pretty stressful, and i am like rushing different things at the same time. this job is pretty challenging, and i quite like that theres opportunities to fly overseas for global work.. tho i still think my dream job is working for a fashion magz, but i will be :) if i get hired back after i grad. haha. i am really thinking if i should quit my sunday job, its really tiring n i only have sat as my weekend. the word weekend sounds like a terrible, negative word. like end of the week. weekend could also bring relief that its end of the week, but also dread that another week is going to start. besides, quitting would mean i dont have to go back to that area, which brings back memories every sun night when i walk to the mrt, or sometimes take a cab, due to the unbearable tiredness from a whole day of work. it would be good to quit those memories, plus that area reminds me of ecp and the singapore flyer. soon, i will also be going to work (internship) at bugis instead, as my company is shifting. means no more private bus :( but tanjong pagar has too much memories for me.. memories that i ought to leave behind. i'm trying hard to forget the past and start on a clean slate. day by day the intensity will reduce and one day, i will just recall with a shrug. once i go through all the emotions, there will be no more. also realised after talking to AL these days, that guys tend to have a shorter memory span, or just get bogged down less by things. even if they loved u alot before, u talk to them 5 years down the road, u'll be surprised at the things you rmb, and can recall, and the things they somehow managed to forget. things like the presents they gave you, songs that you listened to tog, etc. kinda sad when you realise you are the only one cherishing those memories, but i am happy that at least i gt the friendship back after 5 years..its better for us as friends, less complicated, less expectations. and really makes me glad that we are still gd frens after all those that happened when we were just 16-17. mb one day i will feel this way towards whats happening now too. hopefully i will be able to see it in the same light ba. or.. maybe we wld just be strangers for the rest of our lives. wld that feel weird? or maybe it wont matter.. i was thinking, if someone doesnt let you into their house, why should you open your house and let them gain access to you? in fact, why should it matter to know, the kind of life i am living now, whether i am okay or not, my thoughts and feelings, theres no need to know. they should just live their life and i'll have my own. it seems cruel sometimes, but maybe thats the best way to end things without getting yourself all tangled up. sometimes i wish i could still have access to you, but it really isnt the best thing for me to do, nor the right thing. i am the odd one out now. anyway i quite like the new auntie helping at the stall. she seems nice and not too blur. i hope that she will be a permanent help so my parents can work less hard. Signing off, no more ink. Labels: a woman's work is never done, dreams, growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Friday, February 22, 2008 2:45 PM
some things stretch beyond infinity yesterday I went home and saw my bro’s car parked downstairs And I was so happy cuz I know that means Isaac baby will be there Then I hurried home to find him sleeping But my mother and sister very naughty They keep disturbing him so as to wake him Then he super cute he will kick around as if saying STOP rousing me from my sleep! But in the end we succeeded and he woke, a face of blur, but didn’t really cry A few minutes later we fed him and he was a happy baby He was in a very good mood yesterday; and it was contagious! i am wishing he cld have a sister soon, but i seriously doubt my bro will have another kid.. hmm.. so sad.. cuz its more fun to play with other people's kids than to raise your own haha. but of cuz more satisfying to raise your own baby and see him grow up! sometimes i think i cant wait, but other times i feel like theres alot of things to give up like no more 2 ren shi jie, less time for slp/leisure, etc.  isaac baby is happily playing with the pretty windmill  and he doesnt care that i try to kiss him.  he continues to play with it..  then this time i kiss him he is shocked (just look at his opened mouth!) haha. he's the joy of my life now. never fails to lift my mood.  i just really love this picture..  and i want hair like hers... so nice!   i subscribe to vimrod, its pretty funny. and I’m really so swamped with work this week.. Different projects, different clients.. Or worse, the same client, different projects. Sometimes I don’t even know what is going on. Because branding can be so intricate and its mind-boggling! And I am really disappointed and sad I cannot go korea for GSS. Where can I escape to then? Sigh! I was thinking of Phoebe in FRIENDS.. After she got married she called herself Princess Consuela Bananahammock. Haha. Theres another funny scene below:Reporter: I like that. what's your name? [pointing tape recorder at Pheobe] And I have been trying to remember this particular phrase that Phobe said in the show that I kept laughing over and imitating. But I cannot recall. But I know its hilarious cuz of her expression and big wide eyes. Hmm... its irritating when you cannot recall things like that. It made me feel like its so unfair Wanted to brush it off Since it really is none of my business anymore But thinking about it, however, fires me up And I feel extremely angry and sad about it I try to imagine the situation Maybe there are unknown/untold reasons that drive these actions But it is beyond me and my understanding Maybe because I cannot fathom how anyone could be so unfeeling, so quick to change But maybe people's actions reveal the truth of their intentions/feelings That I am very easily (and quickly) replaceable. Sometimes i think i am a fool for thinking that at least things were once special. I ought to not even think about me being special (before) anymore. It really isnt anything special after its over. Yet things are still so surreal I am still trying to grasp, to accept that i am living life without you That i have no control at all over things That i can only watch you being happy with someone else Living the kind of future i dreamt of with you before Knowing that nothing in the past matters as much as now That i might find someone else special next time And forget the significance of all the past It makes me feel like we've been living on a lie. or a bubble that burst. I really dont know what to say anymore Its best for me to pretend nothing ever happened before and We've never met. This way, i wont feel like i have been replaced Maybe reality would seem less cruel.. i really dont know what to say anymore too much that i am feeling that words cannot express fully. Signing off, no more ink. Labels: dreams, growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Tuesday, February 19, 2008 6:06 PM
time is not the best antidote; (new faith in) love is.
Somersault (Love can turn you upside down) - i want to watch this film.
That, for all they care, I can go to hell, But on earth indifference is the least We have to dread from man or beast.
With a passion for us we could not return? Let the more loving one be me.
Of stars that do not give a damn, I cannot, now I see them, say I missed one terribly all day.
I should learn to look at an empty sky And feel its total dark sublime, Though this might take me a little time. The more loving one - W.H. Auden reading one of this blog's earliest entries (waayyy back in 2003, gosh!) i saw the following paragraph. it was written for someone else back then. then it struck me, on hindsight, that when you are in the situation, it always seems and feels like you are stuck there forever. but give it some time, and things will change and move on. I don't wanna find somebody new interesting how the same para can be used over and over again on different people. it still applies today. without me changing a single world. although it made me feel sad, that i feel the same way again, but it also gives me a little hope, that despite me thking this way last time, i still managed to move on, so i feel abit optimistic that this time, i will too.. eventually.. but perhaps take longer. some people say, you dont move on fully until you meet the next person. is that true? i have a gut feeling yes. also because all relationships inevitably end up with someone feeling disappointed, sad, betrayed or angry. only when someone else comes along and manages to somehow convince you that it is worth taking a risk in exchange for happiness, joy, bliss and love again, will you forget the past. but then again, i hope it doesnt always work this way. it will take too long for me to move on then cuz i dont think i have the luck to meet someone new out of nowhere again. and also i was young then, 17? i feel like i am running out of time, and i ran out of luck. my plans to get married at 26, etc.. they have become dreams instead. haha i guess deep down anybody's heart, is a desire and craving to be loved, and love in return. we dont want unrequited love, and worse of all, we dont want to love others without their reciprocation. i was talking to eunice about how hard it seems to find love after people start working, since we see that our colleagues spend so much time in the office. and it got me a lil scared that i will have to be single all my life. or is it true that people have to lower their expectations as they get older? recently i also really understood why people said studying is better than working. indeed, u can get your own self-declared off days and not attend classes, and you can OTOT for your projects. but for us, no such things as school holidays/recess, and everyday its just like a mundane 8 hour routine to go through. each day now i wake up and think 'again?? again?? (that i m gg off to work.) and every night i go to bed, i will think 'again? i have to wake at 7 am again?'.. weekends are my only relief nowadays, not counting sunday, in fact.. i work 6 out of 7 days. really tired. but not like i have much to occupy me if i dont work also. my friends are all busy with quiz and projects, so no going out. sometimes i wish i was not on PI. haha. plus now me and siting feel very removed from hall. seeing the yr1s so active and popular now reminds me of last time.. i guess its their glory now, just like we once were. and i actually went jogging on monday! ran non-stop 7 rounds round the park near my house. thats like quite an achievement for me considering i have NOT JOGGED for like at least 3 years after jc, and i only aimed for 3 rounds? haha. i also climbed the stairs, did sit-ups and other stuff. it felt quite good to perspire but today my left leg aches. wanted to jog yesterday but wasnt feeling well, so i didnt. maybe i will go today after foc meeting.. or tml.. maybe i can acty channel my energy into something useful haha another interesting thing is within 2 or 3 days, i dropped items into the toilet bowl 3 times. it just happened when i went in just now and i heard this loud clonk into the bowl. i realised its the button of my dress! its like, no warnings that it was gg to fall off. then i started laughing as i realised this is the 3rd time (lucky wasnt my hp or what) and i went out to tell eunice. and then we went in again, and my supervisor then came out. i asked her abt it, she laughed and said yah she was wondering whose button was that. so its gone down the drain or sth now. :( funny right. now i should close the toilet bowl everytime i dont have to use it. btw i tot of a new name i like to change my blog to, but i dont think its time yet, still like mintyvintage. sigh~ the new name initials is lbf, what an apt name for everything. Signing off, Labels: dreams, growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 5:22 PM
its easier to show someone you like them than to say it out.  feel like floating like that in a blue, blue sea. but i have sea phobia plus the waters in sg are not like that.  want to go sentosa with constance.   magician with grey eyes. normal girl with blue eyes. both with fat face. haha.  we went to 85. last monday, i think. somehow the food there dont taste as good anymore.   their dresses are made from balloons. very interesting and pretty but it means they cannot sit down all day. and how do they wear it i wonder without the balloons bursting? hmm.. imagine wearing the white one when you get married.  today, 20th feb 2008, i miss the smell of you. i miss the sound of my own laughter. i miss the taste of home-cooked food. i miss the sight of waking up to someone sleeping beside me, and feeling like it wont matter if the world stopped spinning now. i miss the feeling of smiling until it hurts.  powerful batteries.  this ad for some job search company is just so interesting. its quite funny to imagine someone really making coffee inside the dispenser or dispensing money, rather than it being really automated.  i would like to see a frozen smile in my cup!  tattooing what you got to buy or rmb?   just random design.  perhaps i have not recognised yet.  ouch. why did you bump into me?  grrrr..  come on, lets see who is fiercer!  wooo. your mouth is HUGGGEEE!  nah. lets just make peace :) Signing off, C'est la vie Labels: ads/design, why must we label everything? 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Sunday, February 17, 2008 2:49 PM
if i could press reset sometimes the time pass slowly and seconds tick by and i feel like its a challenge to even let today pass and see that tomorrow will come and i'll be fine but its also at times like that i tell myself i am stronger than before all that could have happened, has happened, and still i am standing here today. that day i went to bedok lib, picked up x38765210 books and then in the end borrowed 4 a wave of memories flooded me when i was there and same too when i walked past burger king and ntuc and i saw cash converter and rmb the day we queued to cash in my worthless discman, film camera, and chinese cds which he said wasnt worth much money. and i wondered will there be one day new memories are forged at these places. i realise why it was so hard for me to let go it wasnt just cuz it was a long r.s, but bcuz of my belief that God put us tog and esp after the feet-washing and prayer tog session at church that one time i was esp convinced it was so bcuz it was nth like i have ever experienced and i couldnt believe that sth so beautiful could happen by coincidence rather it can only be God's works hence it was very difficult for me to let go since i firmly believed in that also explained why i felt angry with God for the past few months, even when i was calling out for his relief and i remember this one time in jc, when i was buying food at the chinese stall, mrs chew came up to me and asked me why i haven dump him i just smiled at her and she was always asking abt us after jc. and we said we disappoint her by being still tog, and we will prove her wrong all the way then i wondered what wld she say if she knew now. maybe she will feel awkward haha. and also as the mars & venus book explained, we think that the thought of feeling better, feeling good, or happy, seems to minimise our genuine feelings of loss, and we think that if we are happy again, it implies we have forgotten a loved one. and we may even feel it would be a betrayal if we were to love again. and this is exactly how i felt. plus that if i am happy n moving on, its being cruel, cuz then who will be the one to 'honor', hold onto and rmb the relationship while it is still fresh in our minds. i felt that if we stopped thking and grieving over it, then we will forget it totally. i guess now that its not wrong to want to feel happy, and it doesnt mean one cannot grieve while trying to feel better at the same time. theres a saying if you know your enemy well you have already won half the battle. hence i hope that since i have these new realisations, i will be on my way to a new life yest was the first time in awhile that i felt happy. it was a gd feeling although this morning some memories caused me to tear but i m not going to be afraid to cry or be sad because only by grieving properly can i find new hope i cant say i am not sad, but at least i am more hopeful that i can one day, be happy and not be so affected. the book also said when we can think back and feel our love without pain, the healing process is complete. i will look forward to thking of memories without pain, but just a happy, wistful smile. thinking back i realise 2007 wasnt tt bad, at least there were 2 gd incidents first is my 21st bday. i think it was well spent, and i had alot of fun seeing everyone, taking photos, being the star of the night and finally the wonderful presents 2nd would be the eyebrow embroidery that i went for in dec costs so much but i must say i have no regrets cuz i wake up and go to bed with pretty eyebrows everyday! and finally, u can see my eyebrows in all photos i take :D hopefully over the nx few mths, i can sing Sheena easton - i'm almost over you Now I'm almost over you I've almost shook these blues So when you come back around After painting the town you'll see That I'm almost over you or sing Daughtry - Over You I'm slowly getting closure. I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces. From spending all of these years Putting my heart back together. Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you. i thought of changing the url to mintymoments, but its already taken :( i guess mintyvintage was really v original, haha, nid to think of another original one that only weirdos like me will use. regarding my hair, my father says i look better with long hair and he cannot wait for me to have long hair, while zul, my friend's supervisor, says he doesnt thk i will look gd w long hair, haha but hes always trying to irritate me. as for me, i just want to grow it long again cuz i miss the feeling. if only love is like hair, after u cut it short, and u miss it being long, just have patience, cuz it can grow back. for sure. unless you itchy hand go and cut lah. but theres no such guarantees in love. in the short term, i just want to be happy without you. in the long term, i just wish for us to be happy, without each other. will upload some photos soon. Signing off, out of ink. Labels: growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Saturday, February 16, 2008 3:13 PM
十全十美 i got a very pretty bouquet of 10 fuschia-red roses yest plus a single stalk of pink yesterday. post v day. it came as a big surprise again. i think the auntie who wrapped the bouquet very skilled, its really so pretty cuz the fillers are very special. i asked 'why ten?'. 'cuz you are perfect.' wah, like some tv drama. the single stalk was some joke that i made before. that usu people buy 11 roses, but 11 doesnt seem to have a meaning (except the cheesy one abt supposedly shd give 12 but 1 is me, so theres only 11 roses). so i said guys can buy 11 and give 10 to a girl, and the other 1 to another girl. the movie 'ah long' is very funny. lame but i quite enjoyed it. mark lee's acting very entertaining. 'eh ni men you zai pai si ar? camera fang na bian ar?' in the malaysian accent haha. borrowed the mars n venus starting over book yest, and it is so true. attachment magnifies the pain a hundred times. only when you learn to let go of your attachment, will you be able to realise your basic needs and stop thinking that only that person can give you love, and dependence and support. and yup, i will let go of this attachment. okay i m going out with wx. whee. bugis, here we come. (shuen, dont envy, cuz u are in usa at factory outlet!! haha we shd be envious of you :D) Signing off, no more ink. Labels: growing up, i have atrocious friends, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Friday, February 15, 2008 6:12 PM
here's the song. Labels: youtube 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 3:13 PM
Writing as catharsis i just love the voice of lifehouse's lead singer, jason wade. his voice is so soothing and emotional, and draws me to it. just like the songs "you & me" and "you belong to me" i found this song, its a wonderful song called "Storm". somehow the song seems related to God thank you for introducing me to lifehouse. Lyrics to "storm" How long have I been in this storm? So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form Water's getting harder to tread With these waves crashing over my head If I could just see you Everything would be alright If I'd see you This darkness would turn to light And I will walk on water And you will catch me if I fall And I will get lost into your eyes And know everything will be alright And know everything is alright I know you didn't bring me out here to drown So why am I ten feet under and upside down Barely surviving has become my purpose Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface If I could just see you Everything would be alright If I'd see you This darkness would turn to light And I will walk on water And you will catch me if I fall And I will get lost into your eyes And know everything will be alright And I will walk on water And you will catch me if I fall And I will get lost into your eyes And know everything will be alright And know everything is alright Everything is alright Everything is alright  i went for hair therapy yest. cut my hair just to remove that ugly shapeless shape (haha) so that i can grow it long properly. and i dyed it dark. no more bright highlighted hair. like the hair hebe from SHE used to have. quite like the change. and i wore grey contact lens today, tho it doesnt look gray. i like too! its a trial pair. will get my brown ones next week. i actually look fine with colored lens, after wanting to try for so long. then i went home and did face therapy - mask. at the same time, i tried my sister's aromatherapy, thats 3 forms of therapy in 1 night (but no retail therapy okay :D) and it really made me very relaxed and i had a rather gd slp tho i still woke up in the middle of the night, once or twice. hmm.. after reading some of the old entries, i suddenly feel, all along i have been saying and thinking the same thing, not wanting to give up cuz it was perfect dream to me, cuz of all the gd times that i couldnt bear to let go, that i wanted to work things out etc. it has been so so long that i have been giving that excuse. there must be a limit, and i guess, things have proved themselves to be beyond my control. so its time to stop giving this excuse, stop saying or thinking 'i never imagined or expected it would end'. i read something really enlightening in a magz yesterday. and i m going to borrow the book, mars and venus starting over. its by the author of men are from mars, women from venus, John Gray. in the article, he said that men and women deal with loss differently. men tend to want to forget the hurt, so they move into new relationships quickly, which may not work out when they realise they cannot commit. while for women, they become afraid to trust and thus they cannot receive love from other men. and that we must grieve and think about the memories even if they are painful, because its impt to remember the love we shared. if not, we will not heal properly and will live with the loss. he also said something like, be grateful for the good times, and find forgiveness for the bad times. only then can you move on. i was thinking about it, and thought "its true, i have tried my best, and i have treasured it." and in fact, all those months when things were not good, i didnt take the easy way out. even though trying has caused me alot of sadness and pain, i dont regret, because it is afterall, commitment to a relationship, honoring the idea that in good times, and bad times, we will work things out. i am only saying goodbye now, not because i dont want to try anymore, but because it takes 2 hands to clap. there is this saying - letting go is not giving up, but accepting what you cannot change. 你有自由走, 我有自由好好過. since you are happy, i will accept that i cannot give you that happiness you want. for me, i hope this ending will bring new opportunities and from now, i can have a 'new' life, my own life, being happy and contented. thanks to wx, shuen, siting, roland for being my listening ears and support.. it was tough, still is, might still be as i fluctuate like rollercoaster, but i know you all will be there for me:) below is an excerpt from the mars and venus starting over book, the first para is so true. "of all losses, the loss of love is most painful. when we suffer other disappointments and injustices, it is love that comforts the soul and makes our pain bearable. in our daily lives when we experience loss, rejection or failure, our minds automatically protect us by remembering that we are loved. but when love is lost, there is no way to find relief; there is no comfort or protection. most often we are not aware of how much we rely on this support until it is taken away. when we lose a primary source of love, we are suddenly stripped of all our defenses and forced to experience the raw pain of loss, the hurt of deprivation, and the sadness of loneliness. at this point, we not only mourn the loss of our loved one, but we also pray for relief and ask, "why does it hurt so much?" there is no way we could ever anticipate the agonizing pain and emptiness following the loss of love. whether we have experienced a painful breakup, a divorce or the tragic death of a loved one, the result is a broken heart. at first we are stunned. we feel a sudden numbness. every cell in our body exclaims, " no! it cant be. i wont let it. this is not happening." we refuse to accept the loss. we hope that we can wake up the next day and everything will be back to normal. if only it could be a bad dream. soon, we realize it has happened, and we cant go back to change it. when we accept our helplessness, reality sets in and we begin to feel alone. looking out at the horizon of our life, it is cold and barren. as our numbness gradually thaws, we realize that we are in pain and it hurts alot." 记得要忘记, 忘记 我提醒自己 你已经是人海中的一个背影 长长时光我应该要有 新的回忆 我将永不再触碰这记忆 爱呢 by S.H.E still really describes it all. 我的爱呢 你把它给谁了 知道世界很善变 没想到连你也变 Signing off, no more ink. Labels: growing up, i have atrocious friends, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Thursday, February 14, 2008 5:23 PM
self-pos·ses·sion - the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior i just saw something that reinforce reality, and i went cold again somehow my blood just seems to freeze and my fingers are especially cold, and shivering. maybe i should stare at it a thousand times, and then it will just feel numb. and more like reality. i keep digging up what i shouldnt, to hurt myself, to make it sink in, more real, more permanent, to satisfy the insatiable urges to know, to self-destruct with the what, how, when, did you, have you questions, and trying to read your mind whether/why you rubbed salt into my wound today. you dont have to remind me that i am only 'sh'. maybe to end it all, i have to receive the same amount of hurt as the amount of love and joy that occurred. something like to achieve equilibrium. i was wondering when i saw that something, if God loves us all the same, why would he take my joy and give to someone else? it could still be me.. i thought its because i am a bad child, somehow. but i asked Siting this and she said something to comfort me... [Sitting Duck]: i would rather spend one lifetime with you, than to brave the ages of this world alone (arwen, lord of e rings) says (5:27 PM): because the joy that u haf..is less than wad he wants to give u just that u dun see it now I got to trust Him, that this joy is not meant for me. In time to come, I will get the joy that God wants to offer to me in his greater plans. Even if they dont include you anymore.... thank you everyone who was there, and your flowers, sympathy bouquets, i call them. haha. esp thanks siting for yest. a true friend is one who cries with you when you cry. Signing off, no more ink. Labels: God is good all the time, growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Wednesday, February 13, 2008 12:05 PM
thank you God for letting me see this today to encourage me. “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Jeremiah 29:11 Signing off,no more ink. Labels: God is good all the time, growing up 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 11:13 AM
one last time, i hope x 100000 i know i said no more such posts, but i am really feeling terrible now. and this is my only avenue. i m not happy, therefore my posts are not happy either. but well, its my blog. after the last phone call yest, it was abit of closure i guess. said the things i really wanted to say for so long, even tho i might have said them endless times, but just one last time yest as closure, i hope, and goodbye. people ought to be able to know and hear that they were loved deeply by someone whom they matter alot to. though it was really not the closure i wanted or envisaged (stayover or merlion) but thats the best i could get out of the situation. i admit, it was very very painful yest, its been sometime since i cried like that, i suspect that its not that i dont have tears or capacity to cry, but i could only release them to the right person. like the cliche says, the person who makes u cry is also the only person who can stop you from crying. i still found comfort in him yest. although the sadness was also overwhelming. i meant everything i said, but i couldnt hide that i am very sad (understatement), and it hurts me to think and imagine i m letting you go with someone else, and that maybe it will be forever for u and her. that one day i have to say congrats to you to the person i thought i wld marry, but instead see him marry someone else. to think you are doing things that u did with me with someone else, like cooking, talking, even eating...going the places we went before... and i miss seeing you smile at me, and how your smile makes everything seem okay... (i need to stop, but i need to get these out of my system...) i felt abit of resolute and relief this morning, maybe from knowing this is the ultimate hurt, and there could be nothing more that i could possibly know that will hurt. but i think the sadness and the fear and the helplessness of not knowing i could get over this, how i could be happy, is really burdening me. and recently, things haven been going well for PI, cuz i always have nothing to do. i feel useless, and like i m not learning.. i dont even have anything to observe. each day at work, i feel like i really might as well stay at home. theres so little to occupy myself now. maybe my friend is right about me being depressed. but with PI taking up the bulk of my time, i really have no time to sort things, and worse, i dont know how to. to think or not to think. does anyone have any solutions, cuz i have none. maybe i just need time, lots and lots of it. i need to be stronger, more determined, more forward-looking. its time to tear away the neoprint that has one dog-eared corner, tho i still very bu she de. but maybe i have been dragging my feet in this for too long, too long. i had the whole world in my hands, but i gave it away. once i meant the world to you, but now i mean only one person to you. i need to think more OPTIMISTICALLY. stop thinking about the good times, those only make me very sad now. okay, be more POSITIVE... i shd just end here, and i thought of changing my blog, but i haven come up with a name i like more than mintyvintage. hmm, who has suggestions. haa. acty i dont know why i want to change it also. partly i want you to read, partly i dont, so that u dont see i m so weak. secretly i think i still hope for that marginal chance that u will be back in my life. see, i m hopeless.. i dont know why i love u so much. very silly. and i acty thk we are very compatible tho u dont think so. maybe i am just stubborn, or self-deluding (which is worse) but i will remember for a long time to come, as much about you, as i possibly could. if it cld hurt me this much, i dont think its just puppy love.. i've sort of gotten over the habits (not seeing you every weekend, not talking to you like before.. tho i still miss them terribly), but i haven gotten over the deep sense of loss, over someone who was such a big part of my life. but tigger will always, i hope, continue to be part of my life, just as a physical reminisce of whatever we had. i'm sure he misses u. (This prob sounds loony to everyone, but its okay) thats it... i will try. one day i will read this post and laugh at myself for being stupid to think i cannot move on. i started with you by deciding to take a risk, it ended like this, but i dont regret. i just have to take another risk with the nx person i guess. Signing off, no more ink. Labels: dreams, growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Tuesday, February 12, 2008 5:02 PM
i am so hungry! and i have been reading this guy's blog. he cooks alot (so rare of a guy. maybe hes a snag.. hahah) anw, right now i really so wish i could eat these.. the aglio olio looks.... so delicious, YUMMY... okay i sound greedy. and though i usually dont eat alot of choco cake, the one below looks like chocolate will ooze out if i bite into it... super hungry now..   i guess, eventually i will learn to deal with it, and its pointless to ask why, how, when, or what anymore, and i shant look back anymore. its time to find greener pastures, in life, theres plenty to live for, right.. :) someday, we'll all know... i can only say i hope that one day i will look back and see the choice you made was right. i guess maybe its not a bad thing that this moment came now than later.. since its a 'sooner or later' thing. if it had occurred later, i will only have held on longer. so thank God. it doesnt matter how it all started, what matters is the ending today. (or some say, the duration, while it was what it was..) goodbye, and no more see you. when its time, i might smile back at the good times, and just see the bad parts as sketchy details. okay, from tomorrow onwards, no more depressing posts. its still feb 2008, i have many more months to make 08 a good year. jiayou... Signing off, no more ink. Labels: why must we label everything? 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves |
on repeat mode
mine
abandoned blog Iabandoned blog II the past
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
May 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
credits/links
fashion readImage forgettheflowersblog forgettheflowers |
||
