~songs in my head~
没有地球太阳还是会绕.But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you. I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah ~ MOTTO ~ :: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. :: ~ THOUGHTS ~ By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28) For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. "God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21) "I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Hit Counters |
:: juz taking a moment to remember ::
Thursday, August 31, 2006 12:51 AM
today. well, i am quite disappointed with the movie "break-up". warning: alot of spoilers ahead. firstly i tot it had a boring beginning.. i was thking whether i m sitting in the wrong movie.. 2ndly, all the characters did was scream and shout alot of nasty things to each other, till their friends also dun want to hang out w them.. made me felt abit depressed.. why 2 ppl who are so in love can say such things to each other when things fall apart. then 3rdly, the ending didnt satisfy me.. altho its a not typical cliched ending.. but i guess in this case i wld have preferred a cliched happily-ever-after ending.. overall, i guess i was disappointed cuz the trailer was edited till it made me tot it was abit of a comedy.. but there werent many parts that was tt funny.. and maybe i had too high expectations in d first place.. and it being a love story kinda flopped.. din do well enuff to bring out tt kinda of emotional appeal a true love and break-up kinda movie should have.. its still watchable.. but i will only give it 2.5/5 stars.. if u want sth that is sweet, romantic kinda of love story, this is not for you. finally stopped procrastinating today and went to book my dental appt for next wed after forensic sci.. as i also had a bit of time to kill b4 journ prac. i hope it wont be too uncomfortable or painful.. and if the pain wont kill me, i hope the cost wont either.. i felt squeamish enuff looking at the dentist and the various tools and the whole brown setting of the dental clinic. and bought my laptop cooler and new mouse cuz my old one abit not responsive anymore.. but i feel that the cooler isnt very helpful leh..haiz..it still doesnt cool the area where i gotta place my left wrist on.. forensic sci was kinda gross n "memorable" today.. so many brutal photos and descriptions.. at 1st i tot was stil okay until the lecturer started to show ruptured organs, pierced eyes and abodmen, cracked skulls that are so bloody i sometimes cldnt decipher they were skulls until i see the shoulders and realize i m looking at someone's head, etc.. shant go on.. but i cldnt stand seeing the photos aft some time, esp those pierce thru eyes or watever ones.. remind me of how i always feel someone wans to take a knife and poke my bellybutton.. eee.. i had to use feng you so i can feel better.. well, nt tt i was nauseous.. but feng you is like my bao bei i use it for all sorts of reasons.. or sometimes, no reasons.. sometimes i thk i m addicted to it.. its a habit.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Monday, August 28, 2006 11:08 PM
am i being antisoc? i dunno why but i dont feel like theres any motivation to go dnd.. its like no push nor pull factors.. no incentives to attract me.. the 'i-m-not-going' intention i have seems to surprise alot of pple.. maybe i just cant be bothered to dress up and go for an event that i feel i have no connection with? i mean not like i noe anyone that i can support for.. so its kinda redundant for me to go and waste my time.. considering i have so much readings not done.. (yah wat m i doing here?) sidetrack.. was there some kind of lucky draw last year? will there be one this year? (just a sudden thot.. altho i nv win at such tings so its not a strong pull factor) hmm.. today talking to shuhui made me realize that maybe hall will start to feel very different and i guess, sian again.. she said sth abt probably not staying in hall for 3rd year.. 2 years is enuff.. it got me thinking.. how i will cope with all the diff frens & seniors leaving hall.. whether hall will be fun without them.. whether we will stay in contact.. maybe its always enthu for the 1st yr, den gradually pple just get behind the scene in hall.. slowly but surely fading out.. not joining any stuff and not going for any social events.. actually i have kinda alr start to feel that hall life is back to how it was for me in the previous sem.. at least the beginning of prev sem.. even if u live so close to others, u rarely talk. it may not be due to anything negative, just circumstances. everyone seems so busy, we haven had a proper dinner tog since sch started. and now is wat? like the 4th week already. and i forsee its going to be really impossible to have all 7 of us eating again.. its hard enuff to get just one person cuz our timetables are kinda different..so to get everyone for dinner will be quite a feat.. hence no nid to talk abt breakfast or lunch.. and since i cant get every1 to watch "break-up" i am going to catch it this wed le.. dont waste the free tickets.. haha.. i am slowly getting used to all these once again.. happy hall life came, and it went. (well, at least i tasted it before) its now back to realistic hall life.. hall's just a place to stay, its really just for convenience sake. 229 assignment is just a foreign language to me. i dunno what am i supposed to do really.. sigh.. tml is a long day..argh. hate tues sometimes.. maybe the only day i like is friday.. so hungry now.. maybe i will eat maggi again.. i really dont mind lor.. haah.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Sunday, August 27, 2006 8:36 PM
we must trust and follow our instincts - not always - but sometimes haiz.. i hate this.. typed so much and stupid blogger redirected me to the login page again.. everything was gone.. even hate this more cuz b4 i publish i had this nagging thought inside me to save wat i typed first - just in case - but somehow my fingers din listen to that instinct.. serves me right.. now it just leaves me feeling worse cuz to type back wat i have typed wont feel the same.. wic reminds me of what is gone, is gone. things just wont be the same again. nvm, shall bottle them up again. much easier. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Friday, August 25, 2006 5:05 PM
i hate dilemmas.. but i am always in (more than) one.. should i go dnd? i just feel like going to kpo.. cuz i dn want to miss out any happenings and gossips abt the paegent pple.. hahaha.. but on the other hand, its $40.. and i dont thk anyone will notice if i m not der.. so i can save the time n money.. haha.. and why now STARS drop my drama module when i wanna take? should i join this? should i not? should i avoid? should i not? should i anti? should i not? should i fear? or is there no reason to? should i question what i am writing? Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Thursday, August 24, 2006 1:32 PM
such a warm day today. maybe i shdnt keep hoping or saying that i hope for no more nightmares.. cuz it din work again.. well i wnt say they are really nightmares la, but sometimes i just dream too much, and it can get quite sickening.. tiring.. confusing.. cuz i wake up thking wat the hell was that abt, or sometimes even who did i dream of? and tho they are just dreams, but physically i feel as if i really did every action and said everything for real.. wake up feeling so drained..even tho i fell asleep at 12 plus yest..with the lights on.. i finally woke up to off everything at 3.53 am and without bothering to brush my teeth, i fell back to dreamland.. haha.. so gross i noe.. hearing so much tings and 'whispering' talk abt jcrc election, campaigning and rallying these days make me feel sian n tired even tho i m nt even involved. haha. but i just feel for those who are.. it seems so messy.. all the more i m feeling like i wanna get away fr hall, nt tt i thk tt ccas outside of hall wld be much better.. but i guess i m experiencing abit of fatigue abt such tings.. cuz it reveals the ugly side of humans.. even btween frens.. maybe i was too naive all along when i tot tt friends are always - naturally - loyal and supportive of one another.. hmm, but maybe its still possible. just nt with everyone.. cuz yest with the old fren of mine, i feel as if i cld tell her everyting that has happened, or anything, and not be judged.. as she told me her abt her life while i was 'away' fr her, i din feel anyting either.. in d sense i din judge her thking like 'eee why u like tt?'. i just accepted tt this is her way of life, her choice, her decisions to lead her life in a certain way even tho it may be utterly different fr my life now.. cuz ppl change u see, last time i wld feel we were v similar in terms of thking and how our lives wld be heading.. but due to circumstances, and meeting new ppl, we all change, not necessarily in a good nor bad way.. but somehow despite all tt has changed, i still feel relived when i feel we can still be gd old frens telling each other everyting without fearing to be judged.. sometimes, all one wants is to to say watever's troubling him/her without others judging or asking them 'why?'; or for explanations tt they themselves mite nt be able to give.. ppl just want a listening ear.. anyway, so much time has passed so quickly that i am left in a whirl sometimes.. where are the pple when u nid them? and where is the time for urself when u want to be alone? maybe wat the lecturer said today was right. there is no dichotomy.. no black or white so simple.. that everything is in nuances.. so i m just in between black n white.. and it may nt even be gray.. haha.. dunno wat i m talking abt.. p.s: made the font bigger so can read better with tis color.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Wednesday, August 23, 2006 9:56 PM
in the same situation everyday. today at forensic sci lecture, i was sitting beside cheewee.. he made a v cold joke. and it was, acc to him, pre-planned. i dn really believe but anway in the lecture notes der was this guy who had tis ring of leaves ard his head. so cw asked me why like tat? and i replied how wld i know? den i was like super freezed when he said cuz he's 'zhi wu ren'.. ow.. leng si wo..but it was quite funny lah haha.. 2ndly, for some reason, he is v 'interested' in my roomie..and keep asking me abt her..and even said she got alot of character, he love her.. and want to 'er-hem' with her.. and made some gross noise lah.. haha bth.. and then he asked me a qns i tot was a gd qns.. he asked me if i was putting on a mask at tt moment.. in the sense like mayb i m troubled but i m just pretending to be happy.. den i realized i actually dunno when i m really happy and when (if ever) i am wearing a mask..but i believe the mask-wearing is not intentional, not like i consciously tell myself i am putting on a mask.. i was thking maybe i have been putting on a mask (subconciously) so often that i dunno when and whether i am anot.. so i cldnt ans his qns.. strange.. maybe i just dun wan others to worry abt me so my smiles n laughter come out, even tho when i m alone i dn feel like smilin.. but yet when i laugh when i m w friends, its nt as if i pretend to laugh either. i really feel i m laughing for real.. yet just nw on my way back hall, i suddenly find myself feeling down.. and its me once again alone in the room cuz wx has no class tml again.. some pple have commented that i am someone who rather be troubled alone den trouble my friends..i dunno hw true that is. but just nw while waiting for the mrt, i was thking i seemed to have changed alot.. last time i was nv the type to keep tings to myself.. and i always tell my frens not to.. n thk they are v silly to do so..nowadays i find myself behaving like tt.. n i can understand why there are ppl who are like tt.. cuz they sometimes feel tt telling others wnt solve anyting also.. in fact, sometimes after u tell someone hw u feel, he or she may haf no reaction, and its obvious tt they cant do anyting to help u, and tt realization makes u feel worse.. cuz say already also no help, so why bother saying.. hence that is how i feel.. and thus i just rather not be asked why i m unhappy.. altho i noe keeping tings to oneself isnt the most ideal solution, but den some tings just cannot be solved even if i tell.. so why make everyone else unhappy too? anyway i went to visit my fren and her baby.. and she named her baby after the name i suggested! hehe.. so now the baby's name is given by me, and shares the same bday as me. hehe.. the name i suggested was seraphina.. which means angel..and a fiery one.. so seraphina is vv small.. like 3 kg.. i only carried her once.. and v awkwardly also.. cuz i din noe how to cuddle her.. shd i say i was scared i will hurt her or make her cry haha.. my fren was like aiya carry her close to u lah.. but seraphina has vvv long limbs lor..i thk she will grow taller den my fren v soon..haha..and i also found out tt she din marry the guy whom i tot was a bastard.. lucky!! i m so much happier noeing tt shes with a better guy..the guy gt a family man face.. haha..their wedding photos v nice..hmm, but somehow i am not fantasizing abt me getting married.. as in i do want to be v pretty a bride someday.. but when i saw how she gotta hoax and watch over the baby every minute.. i feel like its abit burden esp now.. at tis young age.. so much freedom is gone.. and even as we tok abt our past, i feel abit different.. like now she is a mother, tho she is still pretty much the her i remember, but its strange.. cuz she nw has to be responsible to her husband, baby, and mother-in-law etc.. so at the hse, i also din dare to talk to her abt them.. and its kinda strange when she told me abt her ex-bfs b4 tis husband.. when he is just next door..aha.. hmm i m happy seeing her.. hope tt she will be happy from now on.. its impossible to imagine altho she told me labour was vvvv pain.. i cant imagine hw she pushed her baby out la..haha. but at least nw i noe u wont die fr labour.. cuz she was v normal just nw.. except abit chubby and has a tummy haha.. but stil quite skinny.. just now tot of the idea of moving out of hall to go back home to stay.. den i was thking maybe i can try going home everyday for one week. haha see if its feasible.. den can move out next sem. also can save $$ i thk? or is travelling more ex? hmm.. like wx said, its hard to study in hall..somemore gt activities.. maybe the time we save in travelling to and fro isnt alot also.. maybe at home is better..at least wont feel so alone sometimes.. sometimes when u are living amidst so many ppl n frens, u still feel lonely.. but at home, u may b alone but u feel more comfortable and secure.. strange.. my laptop is heating up again.. so i shall end here..haiz yest still had 'nightmares' despite my prev entry! hope tonite no more.. anyway if u do watch singapore idol..pls let me noe.. nid ur help!! thanks! Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 12:43 AM
wish for no more nightmares... Sigmund Freud about Dream Interpretation: A dream is a disguised fulfilment of a repressed wish. (maybe its kinda true) The Dynamic Theory of Dream-Formation: The motive power for the formation of dreams is not provided by the latent dream-thoughts or day's residues, but by an unconscious impulse, repressed during the day, with which the day's residues have been able to establish contact and which contrives to make a wish-fulfilment for itself out of the material of the latent thoughts.. (i tot the term 'day's residues here is kinda interesting cuz it sounds like "ri you suo shi, ye you suo meng" - what u dream at night reflects what u have been thinking in the day) i know the whole theory sounds v cheem.. nvm if u dont get it totally.. i dont either haha.. Freud also said that repression (of feelings, sexual desires) is very dangerous, I think so too. actually repression of whatever is reflective of social norms.. if society disapproves of a daughter longing to sleep with her father, or a son with his mother, then repression will occur so as to fit into this social normalcy. but repression may fail, and people do what they 'arent supposed' to do. This concept kinda reminds me of jc days doing literature.. the story "the monk" shows the powerful and dangerous consequences of repression of sexuality by a monk.. so as u can see, today's 201 lecture was food for thought. more interesting than darwin and evolution, in my opinion. it feels quite nice actually to go into 'hibernation'.. feels more free.. like i dont have to answer to anyone.. u can c it as anti-social.. but there is always just a very thin line between being urself and being anti-social.. am i making sense? as in maybe anti-social is u, u are anti-social.. so how can ppl ask u not to be urself? Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Monday, August 21, 2006 8:11 PM
no more clip-ons earrings so sad, after dinner i just realized one side of my butterfly earrings is gone.. somehow somewhere it dropped! so sad.. its new somemore.. :( anyway i am still thinking what i shd join this year.. wanna join foc again.. also want to join some outside of hall activities leh.. hmm.. dunno wat subcomm to join in hall.. but most likely not social already.. cuz social ppl nid to turn up for every social event. can get v busy.. i dn mind publications if shuwan gets the post! support her! hehe.. eh.. i went for drama class today. a small class of 10 pple only. quite a few of them were from the last sem.. and there is tis vvv pretty girl der.. who is 1 yr senior than me in CS..but i have nv seen her b4. but i thk shes really pretty.. and usually i have high standards for girls. immed when i walked into the class, tho she was the only 1 der.. but i thk she quite stands out.. well, stand out fr the black space there lor.. nt every1 can stand out ok.. haha.. i noe its weird tt i look at other girls.. but well, i thk its safe to say that most or every girl does bio at other girls.. not for comparison or anyting.. but i guess in awe? haha.. i mean when u are pretty, u shd noe tt urself rite? often i wonder whether pretty girls feel or thk they themselves are pretty anot.. i guess they will still pick on sth they dont like on themselves.. but there are some girls i feel that they are so pretty that its not just others feel so, but they themselves gotta admit too when they see the mirror.. most girls usually have 'today i look good' days and 'today i look v ugly' days.. but the girl in the class today is someone i thk who is so pretty that she must know n thk so herself and dun haf such days of doubt!! dunno if i make sense anot. hmm i hope i wont die coping with 24 aus.. sigh.. maybe coping is just a matter of discipline.. right now, i just wanna channel all my energy and thots to my 7 modules.. other matters.. i just wanna 4get and put one side.. i wanna be a happy student.. i feel that is possible.. i mean surely stress will come, but if u are studying things tt u are interested in, or ur lessons are fun or interesting (like drama), den even tho' stressful, ur passion will keep u going.. and u will smile cuz u are finally learning things u have always dreamt of.. at least its like tt for me.. thking abt my production module, my newswriting mod, my desktop publishing mod.. they are all tings i wanna learn.. so i do feel better thking that i will get sth i want out of all the stress.. and then faith will keep me/us going too..i will believe..that i can..and i will.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Sunday, August 20, 2006 11:09 PM
it came as a shock, but a nice one so when i was celebrating my birthday last last thurs, there was this very little girl born on that very same day. whom i would be going to see on wednesday. its just so zhun that what i joked about really came true. having found a person who has the same bday as me is a nice feeling haha. i found one last year, and now another one.. i am kinda excited about it.. going to see my gd fren and her newborn.. its so amazing lor.. i was still pondering whether she has given birth anot and din dare to ask.. well i bought a small gift for the baby girl.. its a set of hat, booties and bib.. i like to see babies wearing mittens.. but there were no nice girly ones.. haha.. and i was so excited in the kiddy palace that day over all the diff baby stuff there that i really think that when my bro's baby arrives next yr, i will be spoiling the baby lor.. buying alot of cutie clothes and toys for him (i hope) or her (okay la, baby girl i will also love) esp cuz he/she will be related to me.. i cant wait!! but its just strange to imagine my brother is gg to be a daddy soon.. he always seems to me like 19 or 20 yrs old (i noe its weird since thats my own age) but its cuz i have the most memories of him while he was in his poly/NS days ma.. time flies man..  the gift set.. so cute rite? sigh.. next time i will let my baby wear such stuff too.. haha. and i had a belated present - chocos - from lee choon.. they were vvv yummy.. hehe..  went to trim my hair just now.. i guess most ppl wont notice the difference.. haha.. having a headache now.. dunno why.. thinking about some things made me realised that life sometimes seems like one big dream.. if u stop thking abt some people or things for sometime, after a while, u will feel as if they nv happened, or if those ppl have passed away/somehow 'gone' from u, as if they were nv der in ur life.. u see photos and they are sorta evidence of reality..but then at times it becomes hard to distinguish between reality and dreaming.. what if life is all but one big dream? i thk all of us will feel super cheated when we wake tht day.. haha.. sigh.. i really miss some ppl that i can never have back again.. such as my 'ah bei' who took care of me and doted alot on me when i was a kid.. its just so true that once things are gone, they will nv come back or nv be the same again.. trying to cope.. still in this surreal mode where school has started but i am feeling really lost.. like did it started alr? has foc ended? everything seems a blur.. did things really happened? i am just finding it hard to accept.. haiz.. how how how.. shall stop here b4 i start to mop endlessly abt things tt cant be changed.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Friday, August 18, 2006 4:52 PM
not too bad 226 tutorial was fun and slack today! hehe.. altho its abit hard to follow up cuz the tutor spoke so fast.. and its v intensive cuz u have to try to catch what he is saying and do what he is doing. he taught us how to use adobe indesign today. its kinda fun. and i can see how it relates to layout, and publishing.. and we did the following today afterwhich we cld leave anytime we want. its a design of ur name and explain why. and den export it to pdf.. i nv knew wat pdf stands for until today. never knew what san serif vs serif meant in fonts too. there is actually a anatomy of characters/fonts lor!  Explanation that i gave was as below... color scheme: black and red - strong color contrast represents my contradictory nature, sometimes passionate and all hyped up, other times keeping to myself. no frame/textbook outline - it represents my need for lots of personal space and freedom. how the text relates to me: Capital Y represents my inquisitive nature to ask "why?" and the font used for the letter Y makes it look like a tree. I love trees especially big trees, because they represent me seeking wisdom and security in life. font: I like the font as I like to draw clear, defined lines/ boundaries in my life between different matters. i kinda like it.. and siting and i had fun doing it.. haha.. i gave her idea to do SitiNG cuz her surname can be encased within her name.. cool lor.. den use diff colors to bring it out.. haha but kinda looks like Siti Ng rite? hahaha.. den she said mine look like some bread shop or cheena chop from the dynasty era.. and the ya-kun brand.. haha.. i think i cant drop drama afterall.. gotta try to take 7 subjects.. its like holding my breath and diving deep into the pool and trying to stay der for as long as i can.. hope i wont drown.. actually upon reflection, i am glad i let my pen do what my mouth cannot do.. i guess despite everything, there are still things/lessons worthy to be kept and be reminded of.. and maybe like wilfred said, there are usually gains for what you have lost.. and the gains may not come immed, but maybe in the future, many mths or even years later.. that you realize what you lost was not all in vain.. the mistakes you made was also all purposeful.. well, i will just keep all of these in mind.. err the strangest thing just happened la.. dunno why but a jc fren whom i knew thru overseas CIP called me just now.. and firstly i am surprised he called.. tot call wrongly.. he started telling me things that i found even more strange.. i am stil bewildered as to what is going on..he told me he is working part-time for some company..wic has a project now.. abt bio science.. (hearing tis part i was like huh? am i toking to the correct person? haha and thking i shd recommend my BS frens instead) and they need ppl with mgt skills or duno what (i totally hear till blur and still v shocked to comprehend) and he told me he thk i got the abilities (wow nv knew someone tot so highly of me.. -_-) and that he tot of me at once when his boss ask him to recommend pple.. (wic is strange since we are nt say v close frens).. i really have no idea wats gg on.. and i just heard wat 10-15k after the project.. i must be hearing things really.. all ??? in my mind lor.. haha.. well, he said to ask me go for interview so to find out more..erm i duno wat to say but agreed lor.. but its nt arranged yet.. still ???.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Thursday, August 17, 2006 7:53 PM
munching wishing i cld be at home eating home-cooked food rather than eating this packet of rice from can 16. spoils my appetite. somemore food doesnt taste as nice without company. and this is the start of my first packet of food in hall. the first in 2 weeks since school. there will be many upcoming i can forsee. just like last sem. so many readings. sigh. super looking forward to tml. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 11:29 AM
if things happen for a reason, can i know why? I have been feeling lost for the past few days. And I am not too sure why. Not sure about what. Not sure if I am feeling troubled. Or if it's just mood swings. When I keep quiet, I dont even notice. For example, while bathing beside wenxin yesterday, I think I sorta forgot she was just next door. I just bath and then out of the blue, she spoke and asked me "Siew Hoon, you ok? why so quiet? what are you thinking about?" And I was like "huh, yah hor, was I thinking about anything? Or just stoning or reflecting?" Maybe its just the night. Night-time me is always quieter than the day-time me. But the just awoke me is also a quiet personality. Usually dont like to talk alot in the mornings about 1-2 hours after waking. Keeping to myself during these times seem to make me feel like I have time for myself. Just me and my thoughts. Whatever I want to think about. Not having to filter or censor my words, not being afraid of saying the wrong things. Everything, whether correct or wrong, or even strange things can appear in my mind. Without anyone else interferring. I am trying hard in class. Trying not to stone. Stoning and staring into space is more of a problem for me than falling asleep. I feel like I have alot of work to do. But somehow I am not sure where to start. And I think I dont have enough time. Like yesterday, I had to force myself to stay up so I can copy forensic sci notes. Because the whole night was spent at hall's open house mingling around. It seemed fun and I felt so light-hearted and happy that time But once I got back to my room, It seemed as if everything was just a coverup, a mask. As usual. Just like Cinderella transforming back to plain girl when the clock struck 12. Longing and loneliness hits. Like an empty space that people around me can never fill. And today when I got the time and space to myself, I feel like I dont know what I have to complete. Its like a cycle. Repeating to torture me. Its been so long since I feel like I have been truly smiling and laughing out of joy, the kinda of laughter that will make me laugh until my sides hurt. I seem to be always posting some depressing entries. That I dont even feel like rereading. So if nobody is reading this, I wont be surprised. Anyway, this is just a channel for me to ratter on and on. I myself hope I can feel happiness from the bottom of my heart again. So cliched I know. But really, my greatest personal wish is to be happy, or at least keep trying to be. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Tuesday, August 15, 2006 11:56 PM
on changes and adapting there seem to be changes in every aspect of one's life. a certain decision that u made u may have originally tot was the best. but it may turn out to be not so good. such as the module INT210. tot that was the perfect module to take. but end up i had to stay for 3 hours not understanding anything. a history of sound? zzzzz silence is music? its tooooo abstract for me. and yest was the last day for add/drop for NIE subjects and i cldnt get forensic science so i added drama then today there are new vacancies for forensic arghhh almost wanted to punch the wall or sth now still dunno can drop drama not or can cope with 7 modules not why why why and forensic was the module i originally wanted b4 INT210 came into mind but cldnt take cuz of 229 then i managed to change 229 and cld now add forensic isnt it strange how things can twist and turn things that you cldnt have at first end up being yours yet some grass that looked green wasnt that green after all? so i guess the moral of the story is one's gotta be more flexible and ever ready for new changes cuz things can be so unexpected they are just hurled your way and you got to grab onto them and then accept and adapt cuz things are just that way. i am still really sad someone so impt forgot my bday! sigh.. guess that this is another change that i have to accept. things that u say today, may be so untrue and insignificant to you some years later, but sometimes they still remain somewhat meaninful to the people you said it to. i am really trying to adapt back to school life, trying to pay attention in class.. its hard cuz i still am in the holiday slacking-nothing-to-do mood.. but i will cont trying.. i gotta.. i want my 2nd upper class.. now i thk abt it i thk besides journ, EBM seems to be better for me than PPC.. i used to thk i want to do PR.. but now i thk abt it, PR is sucking up to others.. with my character, i am nt that kind who can do so.. i cannot tolerate others v well.. if i dn like them, i mostly ignore them like wx say i bo hiew them.. so they may thk i hate them.. or v dao or wat..and dn bother talking to them nicely or create small talk.. (hate small talk anyway) then PR shd have v friendly, open, welcoming personality plus face.. so i fail le.. and PR people gotta suck up to journalists and media...i dn want to suck up to my peers in CS in 5 years time.. eee.. hahahhaa.. alrite, time for bed. haven done anything today.. hmmm.. nvm, tml will always be better rite? Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Sunday, August 13, 2006 12:31 AM
i am just so tired. guess what i just tot i din wan to happen has already happened. things mostly go the way u dont want them to. sometimes saying things out doesnt help matters. others want u to tell them. but then that cant change things. i try asking myself what do i want? and i just see a blank me staring back with alot of ??? floating around my head. i am certain yet i am confused. i am scared too. regrets seem too childish since nothing can be changed. but yet i so hate myself for losing control. and now things are beyond my control. should i still tell how i feel? what i hope for? there seems no one but me to battle this alone. and even then the inevitable might still occur, and history repeats itself. what the hell. i think i cld sleep forever, and anywhere, anytime. so piggy. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Thursday, August 10, 2006 12:00 AM
happy 20th birthday! every year, there are surely surprises and disappointments. i guess this year, i would say that i am more happy than disappointed. of cuz there are impt people who missed today out that i feel sad about. people who were once and i guess still are impt somehow to me. but then on monday the celebration and company was touching. yesterday's with csbs and some other hall friends also.. due to the fact they fulfilled my prebirthday wish of having 19 candles and den blowing it off, and den lighting 2 big candles to signify 20 years. also not forgetting getting me that lovely HUGE moist super chocotee cake from secret recipe! well, its just really very memorable.. and today the day itself made my bdae even more special. i got my flowers, got a princess plaque, hallmark magnet, and most sincerely and lovingly, a scrapebook-courtship flashback from my baby.. had ajisan.. watched the movie "Click".. i wld rate it 4/5.. must watch.. its a comedy that made me cry.. nt easy to make someone laugh and also cry (due to sadness not cuz laugh 2 much).. it taught me valuable lessons too.. always put ur loved ones b4 anyting else such as work, or money.. nv take things for granted.. every moment and every minute was well spent and etched in my mind. i wish i cld replay today haha using the remote control in Click.. but kinda dangerous huh.. if i really did had the remote, i wld have rewind to the past and rewrote history.. but anyway i cant.. so lets just move on okay? and went for hall supper.. was made to drink a glass of calsberg beer.. quite yummy cuz i actually like beer (nt many know tt.. but my fav is ashahi from japan) but of cuz cannot let them try to KO me.. came back and retrieved 5 presents hanging from the lights in my room.. thanks to my dear roomie haha.. thanks 4 all d surprises and arrangements.. i may seem abit aloof when unwrapping all of ur presents, but sorry i really dn like doing it infront of people.. weird me rite? haha.. but i do like all of ur presents.. some more, some less, but nevertheless i love them all cuz each gift was with sincerity.. and many of them, like jacket, lipstick, flowers, were things i really love and want.. esp the jacket cuz i always wanted tt kind of jacket, so thanks for rmbing! of cuz the most valuable present is not anything that was bought, but the book of love i got.. so really thanks baby.. for the effort.. i will treasure it, and take it out to remind myself of wat we have from time to time.. thank u everyone that rmbed and made an effort to celebrate with me, or wished me happy birthday!! thanks for making tis 20th bday so memorable, happy and absolutely wonderful.. its one of the best bday i had cuz of all of u who are with me.. and tis bday, even tho i had 2 cakes and thus "2 wishes", and even a 'paper cake'.. i only made one common wish thruout all the diff times i had to make a wish.. its a v impt wish to me.. and i hope it will come true and last 4ever.. happy birthday to myself.. and hope that things will go smooth sailing for me as i grow older, and hopefully wiser.. and smarter haha.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Tuesday, August 08, 2006 8:41 PM
marriage proposal -_- i got this msg from someone who is 41 years old and an indonesian.. "i am from Indonesiar u married ?do u ever go to Indonesia ?hope we can meet when i goto Spore" hahha.. so duhh.. how come friendster like bcome matchmaking or wife-search portal isit? eee disgusting.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 4:21 PM
lucky girl today i am like so excited and happy now. almost cldnt breath just now.. add/drop and the whole stars thing is just such a heart-attack causing program that i think we shd nv let old people access it. anyway one must nv say quit or die.. cuz just now i felt like giving up on clicking stars trying to log in, trying to change my timetable and adding electives.. and then 2 miracles happened.. duno who are the silly people.. okay i mean vv nice people who dropped the index i wanted haha and by luck and chance i saw and managed to add INT210.. and also changed my tutorial to a better slot! wooooah.. that tut slot was so diff to get lah!! last time spent so long trying to reg that index.. sigh.. i am so contented now.. at least much more than previously.. so now i gt wed and thurs with only one lesson each. one in the v late evening-nite, one in the very early morning.. haha.. think i cant cope with 7 subjects so i am gg to drop drama.. going home now.. national day tml but no break for me.. but nvm.. can watch tv tonite.. and eat dinner at home.. isnt such a bad ting.. cuz soon i will get too busy in hall to be able to do all these.. anyway lessons were sooo boring today, and the lecturers so fierce one lor.. all must sit and fill up the first like 5 rows.. -_- but i am looking forward to 203 actually.. and 209 production sounds fun.. i guess with my frens ard, we can support one another thru anyting lah.. i am sad my article din make it to this issue of chronicles..but well, there is always the next.. they better publish it!! Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves 12:04 AM
birthday delight thank u dearest leemei & xiaohui for coming all d way to ntu hall 12 to surprise me.. even tho on my way back i saw u 2 waiting outside so ended up we gang up to surprise wenxin haha.. but still i am really touched that u 2 are so steady and you xin.. i know its really far.. and to me, ur coming to here is better than watever presents u have for me.. tt are now lying unopened on my desk.. so thanks alot.. it shows who my friends are. winkz.. haha.. and thanks my dearest wx.. for planning this.. tho ur surprises always flop.. but every yr u nv fail to try..love ya guys!! :) and to cheewee, alvin, yewhong, charlene, kyon, hongda, greg, etc etc etc who came to sing me birthday song.. thank u too.. it was v nice of u all.. hehe.. so many ppl sing song n see me make a wish n blow candles.. i have not experienced such a scene for many years.. so today i blew out 2 candles signifying my soon-to-come 20th year on earth.. dunno why i dont really feel like its my birthday leh.. dn haf the birthday gan jue.. maybe as year by year pass, u dun feel so excited anymore? or maybe cuz its nt 10 aug yet.. but still as long as i have my frens and him with me and they rmb my bday.. each bday will be good enuff for me. i still dont feel like school has started. its so surreal.. looking at the syllabus given out at 229 lec today, i feel stressed n frightened. nvm, let me enjoy tis week first.. jus let me sort things out and let me be happy again!! life is too short to be unhappy.. so i hope... everyone.. whatever unhappy moments u are having.. try to move on ba.. life will always have its ups and downs.. and i guess time will heal every wound.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves Sunday, August 06, 2006 1:01 PM
facing a whole lot o things and trying to move on. it felt so awful to not feel happy when foc ended. even more horrible to cry alone in the room when everyone else went for celebration. yet i believe i made a right and lucky decision not to go with everyone else. cause things went better than i cld ever ever hoped for at that moment. and i hope things are going to get better as we try to forget and move on. and after 5 days of fluctuating moods, here i wanna apologize to anyone, everyone, esp my dearest main comm friends, sorry for my mood swings.. sometimes i got v high and laughed alot (and thanks to u all, that did helped me become happier for just awhile), other times (which cld be 5 mins aft my 'high tide') i sank into quiet and loner mood. all i can say is sometimes i was just tolerating and tolerating, so my quiet self was to prevent myself from exploding. there were so many things that contributed to my moods besides my problems.. such as foc programs not running smoothly, some communication misunderstanding b/w pple, pms, my hp spoiling (spoilt & gone now).. etc.. so it was kinda a lousy week for me.. and tho i cant say i enjoyed the camp like how a freshie would, i don regret joining foc as a acp.. it taught me how to work with others, and how to react quickly cuz murphy's law is such that things can always go wrong, and they do. so programs that u planned in a certain way will change, and one must be flexible enuff to go along. luckily for me, there were no major screw ups for campus race and NG100s and games.. and luckily for all of us, there were no thunderstorm rain to disrupt fright nite, and beach games etc.. tho war games was moved inside due to wet weather, but it still was a success.. yet now i have so much feelings inside me.. feeling like i wished i cld be a freshie again and enjoy the camp (and seeing the freshies in the camp cheering and all tt reminds me of Hermes.. now hermes is gone.. sob..) and feeling like i wished the 5 days cld come back again.. tho it wasnt a good week for me, i wished it cld slow down cuz its like.. now i wont get to do things like checking log list, eating in seminar room, etc.. MPR and seminar room bcame rooms i frequent and stayed longer than my own room lor.. i developed feelings for places and people.. so suddenly i am reluctant to let my main comm friends go.. as in (ahaa.. this brings back memories of alvin keep saying my kou tou chang was 'as in', and say i always 'as in as in' nonstop) now after the foc, we wont have any excuse to contact one another anymore.. and its like a breakup like tt.. so sad.. no more foc related topics.. seeing them cld become a hi-and-bye business. and of cuz sad that jiahong and jieming wont be in hall le.. and everyone will get busy with school again.. i do feel like joining foc again, cuz i thk out of all the activities, foc is the greatest and biggest of all.. it will make or break the impression that freshies have of hall 12.. but i m nt sure wat i will join.. prob not programmer again.. its quite sian to thk of all the programs again, and its quite sian when u execute it, u got nth else to do but oversee everyting.. hmm.. btw, i got a new hp.. cuz my samsung E630C really cui.. cant even on lor on friday.. i was also sad cuz of that..cuz there were really so many so many photos, voice clips, even calendar notes of my driving lessons schedule.. so many of my memories for the past 1 and a half years.. haiz.. cant believe that i cant keep tt phone as a keepsake. duno why when i brought it out to trade in, it cld be on lor.. and functioned normally.. so lucky! thank God!! haha.. must be God helping me to save $$..cuz i trade in that for $60.. nt bad la.. considering its state.. anyway, cuz i m having financial crisis haha, i only buy the cheapest phone.. okay la, cheapest was motorola L6 for $0.. i meant i din buy those newest model.. i bought sony ericsson k750i.. quite old i thk.. but its not a bad phone.. so ironic cuz i said i will nv use or buy a ericsson phone ever again after 2002. well, lucky sony came to save ericsson.. hope everything will be clear and smooth for me soon.. turning 20 soon, i dont wish to bring all these troubles with me..if not cannot remain sweet 16.. awww.. *got nao ai* Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves |
on repeat mode
mine
abandoned blog Iabandoned blog II the past
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
May 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
credits/links
fashion readImage forgettheflowersblog forgettheflowers |
||