a moment to remember

~songs in my head~

没有地球太阳还是会绕.

But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you.

I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah

~ MOTTO ~
:: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. ::

~ THOUGHTS ~
By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28)

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

"God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21)

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Hit Counters

:: juz taking a moment to remember ::

Friday, September 29, 2006 12:22 PM

i miss

watching tv at home with my family.
now i dont watch, or i watch it alone.
sitting in the living room hearing my father exclaim "wo shi dao yan" because he can predict what is gg to happen next in every show we are watching.
will i get to hear that under those dinner-tv-time context again?

eating my mother's home cooked food.
sometimes i just feel so sick of outside food becuz it feels so sinful, oily, and yea, expensive too when its not even that nice.
i crave for her curry, her black chicken soup, her cabbage even..
and many others.

seeing everyone at home, just being at home with them, and no 1 is sleeping yet.
now i go home to a house of silence, darkness, and snores.

talking, just talking even abt unimpt stuff.. anything at all, to my sister, and my father.
havent been saying much or having the time or chance to say much.
i'm not taking things for granted am i?
my life seems so hectic now,
theirs too.

our struggles leave us with no time.
what are these struggles for?
its for me.
it separates us
till when i have no answer.
it makes me afraid.
when will this end?
how will it?

i feel like i want to seek cover at home
but there no longer is such a place.
there is only a house.
of silence.
of darkness.
of emptiness.
of empty space that used to be.
of people and happennings that are no more.
a mere physical living space
of grown-ups.
thats why i find no reason to go back.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Thursday, September 28, 2006 10:55 PM

be warned: explicit images ahead.

i saw this book at Jurong library today. wa.. its supposedly written for children or young teens, but its damn explicit lor.. its almost porn but cartoon one. reminds me of hentai wahaha.. anyway, i made the images quite small, if u all wanna take a closer look, den click on it lah.. wahah..

this is the book.. go check it out if u are interested! lolz..

hmm they "advocate" woman-on-top.. haha..

or if you are traditional, then man-on-top..

and they say masturbation is nothing wrong, and teach you how. omg.

and this freaked me out. its a comic strip abt how a baby is born! and u shd really enlarge this picture to see, its gross how they really drew the baby and his hair trying to push his way out of the mother's vagina.. i know this is nature, but still the book is really very graphical, isnt it.. so much details.. haha..

and they covered *gasp* homosexuality as well!

as u see, i was so shocked by the book, i got myself vit c to build immunity! wahah. jk lah, its not related. i bought it cuz i need it to fight germs. i think i once said something abt prevent immunity instead.. and was laughed at.. so i shant elaborate too much, later say wrong thing again! haha..

and i realized i got 4 TPJC badges when i was packing my stuff yest! omg.. why do i have that many?

in response to the many gold badges i have above (jk!), i painted my nails gold too.. yea.. but v sian, i wanted to paint dark dark purple, but somehw i always cannot find that color, and end up buy this purple wic looked v dark in d bottle but come out v light. dont like leh.. :(

hmm this recess week is almost gg to end le, i feel v scared. maybe i have been too hard on myself, but each time i slack abit, think of sleeping more, enjoy myself or wat, i just feel damn guilty. i just feel i shdnt be relaxing altho its my holidays. and tho my time is spent in school at journ prac, editing or interviewing people for the articles i m supposed to write (wic is part of my module anyway), i grieved for the time spent. bcuz they pass v fast, and i have no time left to catch up on my readings. maybe i m abit crazy. i missed my dental appt on tues also, cuz i overslept. sigh!

and there are still many things that i said i wanted to do like watch a movie, eat secret recipe, and sing ktv.. wic are all not done.. and wont be.. sad.. seems like everyone is v busy, or already had other plans with other pple.. this makes me feel abit down la.. but yet at the same time, if i had really went ahead to do all these, i wld have similarly felt guilty aft that. but i think i still love this holiday because of last weekend's stay at Intercontinental. i did enjoy myself la.. did relax.. tho' not with my friends.. shopping trip also bcome solo.. sian.. its not easy to believe that things and people can always remain in the best of best state.

anyway i thk i m gg to be trained as lifestyle ed.. cool..hope it will be a fun, n most impt, beneficial experience. hmm am damn sad rachel is gg to leave so soon.. cannot imagine her being so far away. sigh.. gtg..

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

3:46 AM

its just so hard to forgive yourself sometimes.

i really hate this feeling inside me.
i wanted so much to tell someone how i feel.
but i dont know how to say.
how do i explain why i feel so terrible,
that i wish to rip everything so the memories dont stay.
its so awful,
realizing i cant forget what i want to forget,
this regret is almost topping over,
its at boiling point,
and i find myself unable to console myself,
unable to forgive myself.
if only its as simple as slapping yourself and then move on.
if only.
i dont know if things are really normal.
i dont know if they can be.
i hope i m not naive in hoping.
sigh.. what utter crap feeling.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Monday, September 25, 2006 5:21 PM

explain why you say you tell me you dont want tur kwa when you din say you don want tur kwa!

i m slow
but now that i discovered them
i am hooked.
i think they are really hilarious.
and i really think the guy's voice sounds like jarren. (from hall)
esp when he speaks with that kinda slow droning hokkien-filled voice.
and i think mr brown n mr miyagi have nice voices, the v pleasant DJ-like quality when they speak normally.

here are the 2 that i really like.

from mrbrownshow.com
the tur kwa and ba chor mee incident - http://www.mrbrownshow.com/?p=67
Singapore flunks the courtesy test - http://www.mrbrownshow.com/?p=107

tml is my visit to mr. dentist again. i m prob gg to stop gg after tml till i have more funds. each visit burns such a big hole it takes weeks to mend. hope it wnt be too uncomfortable.

anyway, i am sad, but i gotta admit that its official that my multi-tasking ability is gone. i cant even type an sms while talking on the phone at the same time now. oh no.. must be cuz i rarely watch tv now. i rmb i can watch tv, msn, talk on phone, and surf the net all at the same time years ago.. (or isit age? honestly, now tt i m in uni, i REALLY feel old! really.. less energetic, everyday seems a struggle to stay awake.. i thk sec life is a breeze compared to now, and i m getting fat man.. really old le lah sigh)

this also explains why i hardly msn now. cant study v well with msn gg on. it takes double the time to complete reading my textbook when something else is gg on.

also, my memory is also getting from bad to worse. right now, i am frowning at the screen thking what on earth do i have tml afternoon? i refuse to go check my hp calendar. maybe that has made me too dependent on it, rather den using my brain to rmb.. (shit, at tis moment, my left hand loses its thinking ability and auto take up my hp.) eh.. but i really cannot rmb. sigh.. okay left hand, u are allowed to check the hp. hmm it says nth leh, but i m really quite sure i have something.. oh!! okay.. wth, suddenly rmb, i m supposed to go sch to do editing. alamak.. i really shdnt rely on my hp le, i thk later i mite get Alzheimer lor for nt using my brain often..

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

2:27 AM

my very long & wonderful weekend.

which also happened to be the start of my recess week.
after this weekend of luxuries and pleasures, it is time to start mugging already.
Be a Mugger!!
sigh, i so miss the times already..
i wanna go there again.
maybe the idea of the 2 nites stay taking place instead of the cruise is a gr8 idea.
more affordable since there is the voucher.

friday dinner at Equinox 69th level of swissotel!?! taking the lift up i also got ear block lo.. and this feeling of omg.. so high..but the view is spectacular man.. its abit better than wat i used to see at OCBC center the restaurant wic is maybe 40-50+ levels? (Forgot le) but the view from swissotel is much more wider in d sense u can see alot.. from merlion, and the site where Integrated Resort is being built, to clark quay/boat quay, and i think i can even see orchard.. maybe lah.. haha. anyway it was his daddy's bday.. the food was yummy, but dessert was so-so only leh. quite limited in choice. but duno why i keep having tis deja vu feeling tt i somehow been or seen the word Equinox and its design b4..

and here we are! at our fav hotel! intercontinetal!

our 2nd free stay here! thanks to his mummy.. its def no ritz carlton la, but its vv cosy and comfy already, who says one's fav hotel must be super grand? i love here! its great already! and look at us so happy on our way ther!

outside our door. level 8 - room 814. should buy 4d haha.

below:

this is what i did at the hotel. s-t-u-d-y-i-n-g! -_- well at least it was in comfort.

-> us with his new books before heading for our free champagne at the lounge!
Table for three by Jason Hahn is a good & funny book!

below: us enjoying our nice champagne (okay la it wasnt sweet) but tasted like asahi beer wic i like! haha..
nice photo of our drinks w the lamp.. and the nice v high ceiling of the lounge..

look wat i found.. its the intimacy kit. haha.. din know hotels gt such ting.. but wth is obstetrical towelettes man! and this thingy costs $9?! anyway i have no use for such things! haha. and my whisky chocolates.. now they are at home, cuz hall got no fridge. hope no1 eats them up! haha.. and i dunno why, but the rows of stuff inside the fridge makes me feel good.. like the photo of the cans of drinks - its like each bottle is different, yet they are lined up and organized neatly.. makes me feel that we can live with one another's differences. i thk humans are sometimes too intolerable of others..

and here is our free (again) buffet breakfast.. yummy. so yummy i forgot to take pics! haha. we had pancakes, waffles, ham, sausages, omelette (getting hungry?), dim sum, salmon, etc.. well, at least i took tis v nice photo of the hotel from my table upwards.

okay.. i m almost done with uploading (its soo bloody long thats why i usu wont do photo entry unless its sth huge like this! :) and i wanna go to bed! speaking of bed, this is the legendary pillow.. soft and totally sink-into-me-duck-feathers-pillow! its ultra nice, i wish we cld actually buy it home. i duno if we can la, but i dn haf the $$ either haha.
and yeah, me sulking on the way back cuz i refused to check out and they had to throw me out. haha. jk of course..

but yeah i m sad that our rendezvous (Haha) is over.. sigh.. i wanna sleep on that big comfy bed again, whr no matter wic way i turn, there is stil alot of space. i wanna soak in that humongous bathtub again with freaking hot water, so much until i keep complaining it was v warm after the bath when the aircon was 22 degrees, and my skin was red. i wanna just spend my time there with u again. made me feel all my troubles and stress were gone, and that it is really holidays. but nvm i m now alr looking forward to ur ORD-ing! yeah, i cant believe its so fast.. din realize it man.. then we can have a great december.. tho w/o u here at xmas mite b quite sucky.. just bring back a humongous xmas gift fr NZ! haha.. alternatively, u can get the 'toilet-smelling' perfume at 20% now at that malaysia store that we boycotted watson for.. haha.. j/k baby..

thanks baby for such a wonderful time.. it feels good, and i have nv been so happy for a long time already.. that even today helping out at the stall, i cld feel myself with a light heart, saying thank u and smiling to customers.. haha..

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Friday, September 22, 2006 12:55 PM

i was bored in class..

7 Things That Scare Me:
1. my loved ones being ill and/or dying
2. failing any modules
3. getting Cs for my modules
4. losing people whom I love and love me back
5. turning into this old, fat, flabby woman with bad complexion
6. not finding any fulfillment or satisfaction in my career
7. a failed marriage (not even considering that I will remain unmarried!)

7 Random Songs At The Moment:
1. A lonely September - Plain White T's
2. One more moment - Ronin
3. Dui Bu Qi Wo Ai Ni - Liang Jing Ru
4. Shan Hu Hai - Jay chou
5. Cradle - Atomic kittens
6. lian ai ING - Mayday
7. breathing - lifehouse

7 Things That I Like The Most:
1. eating nicey yummy food (eg: ba chor mee & bbq stingray - hungry!!)
2. fiction books
3. sleeping on comfy big beds
4. people watch (incl. appreciation and critique of their fashion wear)
5. secret recipe cakes
6. movie watching in cinema
7. gossip la haha + interesting conversations abt the meaning of life, love etc (philosophical and sometimes senseless talk haha)

7 Important Things In My Bedroom:
1. laptop
2. handphone
3. $$$
4. diary
5. memories
6. bed la!
7. beauty junk

7 Random Facts About Me:
1. I like to play dai dee haha
2. one ear in, one ear out about secrets or gossips I hear that are not good to tell any1 else
3. prefers hot water bath – but will switch to cold water halfway to wake myself if need be
4. likes to watch la pi xiao xin
5. likes beer
6. don't like to go out on rainy days
7. loves shoes

7 Things I Say The Most:
1. wa lame leh
2. slap u
3. huh?
4. err…
5. as in.. (how can I forget this.. haha)
6. ok..
7. orh..

7 Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. get my degree la
2. get married la and till death do us part
3. have children la – and hope they don't drive me to my grave b4 my time is up
4. have my own house la and decorate it the way I want
5. have a dog la
6. eat all my fav food la
7. visit other countries with my loved one and friends

i got my free autographed $100 (retail value) book fr kaychin today.. haha. its quite a heavy and long book, pretty cool. photographs abt singapore, and its pretty much normal people doing normal things, but there are some photos that allowed me to see another side of singapore. but its pretty hefty a price la.. lucky its free for me. muhaha.. i wanna get the time traveller's wife (something like that) book leh.. xmas present any1? or go find it in the lib for me..haha.. the whole singapore only 1 of it is in our national libraries.. -_- pathetic..

gotta start planning my to-do list already b4 the recess week whiz past b4 i noe it. guess no more kbox le. no csbs outing. i somehow feel that the spirit of csbs is sort of broken. not just cuz of every1 is busy leh.. its just a feeling.. but i still treasure all of u.. hopefully, 1 day there will be a reunion.. esp w shuhui who is very MIA now.. haha..and i need some recreational activities wic i thk will help me feel better.. actually alr gt some plans la.. there is a foc dinner next wed.. and wx n i prob gg shopping n take our long-time-no-take neoprints. and prob another gathering bw us prss girls? sigh, so many ppl to meet but not enuff time wor! i def want to catch a movie..and rewatch memoirs of a geisha..

alrite, time to go plan my stuff..

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Thursday, September 21, 2006 11:49 AM

the quiz is finally over...

there was this question in the quiz today
Q21: In lecture, Dr. Detenber:
a. says its okay to use hp as long as you are quiet
b. never disgress and always stay on the topic
c. says you can read your textbook the day before exam
d. None of the above

something like that! i was stunned lor. at 1st i tot it was a trick question lor. that some communication scholar name will pop up in the choices. HAHA but i gotta admit he has got a sense of humor lah putting something lyk that in our 30% quiz. yes 30%! damn.. i 'gey kiang' go change so of my answers wic were initially correct to wrong answers :(

and there is this 15m 'short-answer' essay (meaning can only write 5 sentences -_-) which i wrote like 3 sentences that probably din make sense or answer the question v well.

the quiz was upon 200 marks! another strange thing. haha.

supposed to sleep after i came back, but somehow i went to iron my clothes, and dunno shd slp anot, cuz i m hungry. but slping after eating will get fat. so i am still undecided. but i m pretty tired, having sleep abt 4 hrs everyday. and knowing i m act. a pig who nids alot of sleep, i really feel sad for myself. everyday sleep is like i go to bed, (can even fall aslp while praying! and i thk just within 3 secs of hitting the pillow, i m gone,) i wake up thking 'huh? wasnt i thinking abt sth? it seem like my head just hit the pillow.. and its getting up to another long day.

later got to take mrt to esplanade and den come bac again. if only tml gt no class. hate taking the journey alone, yet i also sometimes dont like bumping into any friend (or acquaintance). i thk i kinda prefer the alone journey la, cuz sometimes its time to recuperate alone, and when u meet some1 whom u noe yet nt v close, its a worse feeling having to make small talk, and be all polite. i just feel i lose my privacy.. there is this 'niceness' abt the idea of being a stranger to every1 else on e train, and being surrounded by people who are equally alienated, and equally surrounded by people they dunno. haha, i m so weird.

i saw this v interesting quote: "No one is worth you giving up your principles for". I guess thats why people tend to believe they are right and find it hard to change. its easier to believe urself than others sometimes..

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 10:58 PM

an unexpected twist...

i guess i am quite lucky
i decided to go for journ prac afterall.
despite the fact tt i duno any1 der well enuff to talk to while at the news conference,
and thus din talk for 2 hrs der,
it was a smart choice to turn up.
i dont know why,
but i was asked if i wld be interested to be news editor.
i was stunned.
after tt, the lifestyle editor asked me if anyone has poached me already,
cuz she asked if i want to be lifestyle editor.
strange. i dont know if they picked me out cuz i just happened to be der,
and they wanted to ask as many people as possible,
or they were serious abt it in the sense that they are going to make it their 'successor'.
but i am happy, its a dream come true.
since i want to major in journ,
if i do get it, it will certainly help and benefit alot.
esp when i want to apply for internships.
but i believe i would have to give up on some other commitments,
because i would choose this over other stuff,
because it will be more helpful for my future path.
not an opportunity that i shd miss out.
a more impt post than running for hall stuff comm,
tho i do really want to do sth for hall,
but i guess i dn want to have my hands too full,
i dont want to take up too many stuff,
end up say Sorry, i cant commit.
but well, i gotta think abt everything again la.
i am alr feeling abit sad at the thought that i got to give up one gd chance for a equally gd one.

anyway, the song "A lonely September" by Plain White T's is really nice, tho its a sad song. somehow i feel it is quite relevant to me. esp some parts of it. hmm, maybe cuz i didnt mean to... either..

why is it that i feel like i am in shades of grey? when i want to move towards white, but i keep getting pulled back by blackness. and i am stuck in this greyness, not becuz i cant or am not moving on, but is bcuz of others pulling me down. i guess it is easier for me than it might be for others, so maybe its selfish of me to expect that we can totally avoid a certain topic completely and not link everything to that. i'm sorry. but i guess its just that sometimes facing so much work and stress, thats the last thing i want to deal with, or talk abt. it can totally destroy my (idealistic and naive maybe?) optimistic thinking that happiness is mine to keep.

alrite. study for quiz. i got a bad feeling abt the quiz man. sigh~ going esplanade to watch Diaspora tml. cool.. hope i will get more n more cultured each time i go watch a performance. haha!

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

3:55 PM

a panda found!

haha. i adopted some animals. this panda is the first one i chose, cuz i am like a panda now. with so lil sleep and dark eye circles. this is quite cute u can feed my pooppoop when u click on 'more'. i will put up other animals next time. hehe.

suddenly i thot of so many fun things and places i can go during recess week. just not sure if i really have time to accomodate all. hope so! there's so many ppl i wanna spend more time with!

sometimes i dont like the idea of having to censor wat i wanna type. sian.. maybe i shd have a another private blog. haha.

gtg. continue studying for my quiz tml. progress is super SLOW

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Tuesday, September 19, 2006 8:15 PM

tuesday is over too...

i am so glad. 2 hellish days. over.
no need to experience these 2 hellish days for another week.
i don't know why i have a headache now.
should i eat some pandaol?
actually i never really believe it helps.
but its natural to ask others to eat it when they are sick.
actually i am really tired.
keep falling asleep in 229 and 203.
if i knew the article was not to be collected,
i would have heck and just took a nap lor.
30% assignment just given out. dead.
actually i am bit pissed off too.
i am not a clown,
nor anyone's puppet.
i only want to account to myself.
sometimes i need space for myself.
sometimes i want to be quiet.
i dont see why i must get shot after a long day.
enough said.
i AM tired.
i AM stressed.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

2:35 AM

feeling slightly better, and less burdened..

things that are over. - finally -
229 video editing and sound assignment due tml.
229 camera footage due tml.
203 IMF article due tml.
Floorball article published in chronicle (yeah! My 1st published article!)

it is damn scary walking back alone from cs to hall at 11 plus-midnight. the fact that there is rarely a single soul out there scares me, and the fact that there are footsteps behindme also freaked me out. haha. err.. yucks..

thinking if i dont get vc for foc, will i feel v left out of hall stuff? thinking if i dont join vc, shd i try for p & p instead? hmm.. dunno leh, tml go interview see how. at least now i feel more at ease knowing who is chairing. gogo ruifang! hope u will b a well-respected chair. haha. wonder how he feels abt being the chair - the same post as edwin, our (now ex) 'lao-da'.. haha..

the more i think abt it, the more excited i am abt going for summer studies in HK next yr. really hope i will be able to go.

and also, i wanna buy a new pair of shoes. but i am in a dilemma to buy heels, or to buy the neckerman sandals. can say that i need both, but the heels one gotta see if i can still find that pair i saw long long ago. i have gone to try the shoes at U.R.S and Charles & Keith for so many times that baby would say "this pair u try b4 le lah!' haha..

anyway, the banana milkshake at billy bombers is v nice. hope to have chance to eat there again! and of cuz the scoop of ben and jerry's icecream they served was v yummy too - choco fudge i think. but chubby hubby is my favourite! :))))

really looking 4ward to this weekend! hope everything will go fine at the hotel stay. good food to eat, comfy bed to sleep in, nice room to study in. yeahhh.. so excited. also cuz its the start of a it's-short-but-i'm-grateful-for recess week. ktv!! and studying in hall.. gotta catch up alot man.. hope i will be disciplined enuff..

talking abt these, i also must go swimming during recess and get some exercise too.. and some vvv. impt shopping to be done.. hehe.. must def find time.

one sad event i knew abt last weekend was that my uncle had a stroke. i was firstly v shocked, cuz he seemed v healthy all along. and secondly, i was vvv hurt and sad, cuz he is a vvv nice person, always asking me how i have been, etc.. always helpful, a strong man. thirdly, i guess i felt abit angry towards God, that such a thing happened. cuz his wife just passed away last yr i think (she was a v nice person too.. i miss her presence too) and they have three children, one just graduated and working in Australia, one studying long-distance at KL or somewhere higher up in Mysia, and another child who is abit unable to take care of himself.. he is not a totally 'normal' kid like us, he has abit of limp. but he is a lovely boy who is very funny. well, i really dunno whats gg to happen. i am also afraid to go think abt wat is gg to happen. or what will. haiz. i dont want such things to happen to my close ones too.. haiz.. i am really afraid. i dont thk i can be that strong if it does. CHOY!

time to sleep. i realize sometimes in life there is just too many people too many things ongoing all at once that u will inevitably ignore some of them (have to, or unintentionally), and then it may be quite easy to forget for a while, but one day, u might think of them again, and wonder how come things or people drifted apart. maybe this is the reality of life.

time to sleep.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Sunday, September 17, 2006 7:59 PM

a dream that feels sooooooooo real...

maybe i have been subconsciously thinking too much
and revisiting the past..
i dreamt of al and his gang yesterday..
it was really really a very vivid dream.
and like many dreams, it was a realistic one.
as in, there wasnt any 'happily tog' thing going on.
i dunno if this kind of dream makes me feel better or worse,
than the usual dreams abt us being very distant.
not even being recognised and acknowledged in it.
hmm, i suddenly think i know why the dream feels so real.
cuz its almost parallel to the real event.
to what really did happened in real life,
3 years ago.
no wonder the sadness felt so real.
thinking abt all these,
i am not thinking through my usual self at 20 as i said before.
everything is like viewed through telescopic lens.
things distant and long gone suddenly seem so near and real.
i really feel weird.
its so hard to reconcile that me,
and the current me.
its so hard to totally forget things and people
whom you cried so much for, and wanted so badly once.
'once' - i realised today that this must be the only word i really dislike.
somehow it has a negative connotation or impact on me whenever someone says something with this word in it.
according to Encarta Dictionary, 'once' means:
used to indicate that something happened or was the case at some time in the past
Eg: The place must have been nice once.
i guess the worst sentences that have this word inside would be:
"you were once special to me"
"you were someone whom i once shared so much with"
"we were once best friends"
"we were once very close" etc
see, all the bad stuff..
if there is a 'once', it just means that person is telling u that everything is in the past,
things cannot be like before anymore, thats why its 'once' - it was before, not now, not in the future.
i rmb how i kept rereading the sentence with the word 'once' 3 years ago
how i loved, yet hated that sentence
cuz of the paradox in it.
how i wld sometimes see my pri sch frens somewhere and not having the courage to say hi
cuz we were 'once' best friends.
i really hope no1 says such stuff to me anymore.
i want to forget all these and move on.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Saturday, September 16, 2006 1:07 PM

Avid ROCKS!

Yeah right.
I cant believe me and Kenneth re-did our editing 3 times.
Yeah 3 times.
I think we are very familiar with the tape already.
Maybe all along we thought the timeline wasn't saved - we were wrong.
There wasn't one created at all, hence when we press save all bins, it wasn't saved.
And goodbye timeline 1, and goodbye timeline 2.
We were so close to finishing everything yesterday.
But well, at least I discovered how to create the sequence so that the timeline will be saved.
In the end the 5 hrs there was pretty a waste of time.
Sigh.
Booked the editing suite on Monday night again.
This time I really pray that nothing will go wrong, and if anything does, there will be people around to help us.
Though Kenneth did most of the editing, at least this time round I did learn by observation.
Anyway, he is really a perfectionist lah.
I used to think I was one (though I stopped feeling like that already)
But now I know maybe my standard of perfectionist is quite low.
The Chinese saying "yi shan hai you yi shan gao" - damn true.
If I ever was a perfectionist, he is ten times more a perfectionist (acc. to my standards) than me.
Now I know, a perfectionist can scare the hell out of a less-than perfectionist person.
But hey, Kenneth, if u ever see this, remember the puzzle you gave me to solve?
"No one is perfect" HAHA.
But its quite cool that you are passionate about 'creating' things, that's why u are such a perfectionist.
I guess in this aspect I may not be so passionate cuz I am not familiar with editing.
But I understand why he keeps looking over the same footage and says that things don't feel right.
That's about the way I am when writing too.
I am not too satisfied with the floorball article I wrote
But then I didn't find a way to perfect it
So I feel unsatisfied.
I like my original flow better, but had to change cuz of the angle of the story.
Hmm well I just hope they will publish it.
Oh no, I think I really do grind my teeth during sleep.
Hope it wont cause too much problems.
And Monday and Tuesday is going to be 2 full days. Filming at 9 am. Lessons till 630. then editing. Tuesday also whole day lessons. Oh man. This sucks.
I just remembered that I was supposed to have dinner with jiahong and yinjie and jio some other foc ppl on Monday. Oops
Think gotta cancel.
arghh, sad sad.
another new assignment - 226.
quite interesting la.
got 1 mth to do.
but then tis upcoming 1 mth i got some plans to make too.
hmmm.. and i believe other projects.
well, i just try to take each day as it comes lah.
this sem is shitty-ly packed.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Thursday, September 14, 2006 10:21 PM

procrastination leads to regrets.

knowing that some of my friends are going into the army last friday, i wanted to sms them. asking them to take care. but then i hesitated, dilly-dally, and in the end the day passed, and i didnt. well, maybe its not all due to procrastination, maybe i din have the guts. hmm i dunno, its just kinda strange to me that i might not bump into these friends or see them for a long long time to come, or maybe never again in life (i thk thats quite possible, or if we dn recog each other) and its sad cuz its already been many years since sec that i saw them..hmm, and i thought abt how NS used to b the focal point for me and someone else.. someone whom i dont love anymore, but is still someone i think about sometimes. sometimes, i think back about those times, and i marvel. at myself, how much i have changed, at time, how quickly it has passed, at the emotions i once had at 16. i still feel now, but its not that kind, rather its like the 20-physically-year-old me thinking and feeling with the 16-yr-old mind which still lurks somewhere in me. i guess some things never go away. one may always be able to think and feel upon some memories after many years, simply cuz the mind contains all the 'you' at different stages of ur life..

i hope there will be one day when i dunno, there will be a real closure to matters of the past? of everything since i was 16? i guess i m not sure what really constitutes a real closure.. since when something changes, it is rarely possible to have it back the same way again, or to mend it back as if its new..

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

2:20 AM

what feels good and what feels bad

it feels good to have a friend deliver flu pills and vit c to me knowing i am sick. thanks victor!

it feels good knowing that the first 3 days of the week has passed. my 3 most busy days.

it feels good having friends to eat dinner with and laugh with, to relax for awhile.

it feels good knowing friday is coming. its friday i'm in love.

it feels good knowing that i am knowing more people this sem.

it feels good knowing i have good friends who are willing to help me with my assignments by being my interview guinea pigs.. (jk! thanks shuenyun and victor!)

it feels good thinking about singing kbox, and eating secret recipe during recess, even if its just wishful thinking.

it feels bad thinking about all the readings i have yet to catch up on.

it feels bad to have to go to the dentist and hear him say i need a few more appointments.

it feels bad to have to to the dentist and come back with a much much lighter wallet.

it feels bad knowing that i have no choice but to go to the dentist cuz i cant let my teeth rot.

it feels bad regretting, yet knowing i cant blame myself, that i din take better care of my teeth when i was a kid. thus the fillings.

it feels bad that i am in a state whereby right and wrong seems blurred.

it feels good that i am slowly becoming back myself.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 8:20 PM

i like this...

just some extracts of it.. taken from notes from drama class yest.. by david cale..

Remember when you used to wake up in the morning
and spring out of bed. Without a care in the world.
Without a care in your head.

Remember?

Remember when you used to fall in love with one person
after another. How they would overlap sometimes.
Of course, it wasn't love. Let's call it some kind
of thrilling collapsing of the boundaries. One person
after another. It didn't really matter who.

Remember?

Remember how you liked to tell people you were neurotic,
even though you didn't really know what neurotic meant.
But it sounded mature and sophisticated. It was something
you should want to be. More sophisticated than cigarettes.

Remember?

Remember when you moved into the present tense. How alive
you looked. How for a moment you felt in relation to
everything. The world took on a kind of clarity. There was
resonance in every action.

Remember?

Remember when fear took a hold of you.
Became part of you. Took up residence. Cramped your day.
Became a feature. Remember when you realized that eventually
you get used to anything.

... there's still more.. but I like the front parts more.. i feel its.. i duno how to describe the feeling.. but immediately when i read it, i just tot it was v interesting..

hmm, just now at can 14, i had a shock. really shocked. even tho all along i keep expecting to meet zw someday in ntu, but i guess this caught me offguard cuz i wasnt expecting him at that canteen. or maybe its just that no amt of mental preparation cld shield me from the shock and weirdness when i finally bump into him just like just now. i was so shocked my face turned all red. it was not embarrassment i guess, more like omg, suddenly very awkward. that i did think to pretend not to see him. hmm, it felt really strange seeing him there infront of me. to think the last time i saw him was in jc, more than 2 years ago i believe, is just quite amazing. makes me feel old, and also makes me feel... time has flew.. i... dunno what to say just now.. it is all v surreal..

i m looking 4ward to the one week break.. cuz i wanna eat secret recipe at PS, wanna sing kbox.. (shuwan n i were discussing it in sch just nw), feel like gg sentosa (i said tis at the pt when the LT was just soooo cold i wanted the warmth of the sun v badly), want to watch "you, me & dupree", and go shopping for my new shoes and bag.. actually i dn nid a bag cuz i have alot wic were given to me as gifts, but den i dn really like them leh.. hmm, but i thk i do need shoes.. cuz mine are quite old le.. well, gt to see the cost of dental appt #2 tml first la.. but yet i know tt 1 week will pass v fast, and worse i gt alot of projects to do, editing, and mid-terms to study for.. cham, i really thk 1 week is nt enuff. i thk i will be in hall to do all these. any1 else staying back too? we cld have a mini-repeat of our exams breakfast-study, lunch-study, dinner-study schedule.. haha..

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

4:00 PM

it's grrr...grr.. freezing cold!

i think i have nv ever felt so cold before! cs tv studio is really freaking cold, i think its winter for me.. so mayb i wont really like winter if i go overseas next time.. despite my yearning to see snow and all.. i was so cold until all my goosebumps were out, and my skin was red and itchy! (someone pls remind me to wear thick clothing on tuesdays!)

and i cannot believe the tutors! giving us so tight deadlines.. i wished my 229 wasnt on tuesday. now i gt a new assignment - wic is to come up with a storyline, draw it on storyboard, shoot the scene, log the rushes! hate logging rushes la.. waste of time.. and just now i have been declared the sound person! i had to strap this coffee-shop pouch with batteries inside and sling this sound mixer over my shoulder and carry the boomboom huge mic.. wic is pretty cool la.. those u see on mediacorp variety shows that are filmed on the streets. but half the time i was tripping all over the wires.. there were at least 3 or 4 wires ard me. i felt like there was a bomb attached to me la.
sigh i thk tis week must be the busiest i am gg to experience so far.. 2 writing assignments, 7 people to interview, 1 shooting assignment, a mid-term next thurs, and a editing & sound assignment.. all due on tues.. this is scary..

i got no time to read notes or textbook lor.. all my time spent on doing assignments.. so ironic.. sigh.. and yest my presentation had a bad start cuz i realized while speaking, that i printed out the slides instead of the notes wic were my elaborations! so i gt abit flustered. bleh.

i hope i dont feel sleepy tonight. i really need to stay up. but shit, tml i gt dental appt No. 2!! argh.. hope they dn extort my $$.. and oh dear, i thk i just said goodbye to someone i dn even know! i thk la.. cuz the person said bye loudly and i tot was yanxuan, but aft tt i saw her shirt color.. was blue.. i thk i rmb yx wore black.. altho her seat is vacant now, but i cant confirm. bleh, lucky cati lab gt cubicles. help to mask my embarrassment.

203 is gg to be a brain-cells killer. gtg now.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Sunday, September 10, 2006 12:06 AM

why so suay?

my mother's hp was stolen from the stall tonight. dunno why handphones always get lost or stolen at the stall. last time was my father, now its my mother. i curse all those who stole the handphones from us. i heard the thief ran away and while he was being chased, he jumped over the divider-railing in the middle of a 2 way road and was almost knocked down. upon hearing this, i asked 'why wasnt he knocked down man?!!' then after that i realized it was good that he wasnt, cuz if he had been, then the suay one wldnt be him (cuz he deserves it), but the driver of the car who knocked him down. cuz he will have to be involved in investigations blah blah.

and dont get me started abt the policeman who came to 'help' us.. so arrogant. i made baby roll his eyes together with me. haha. so unhelpful. i dont expect policemen to be friendly and all, but he shd at least be more helpful and ask us questions not as he is interrogating us. hello?! look whos the victim here?

i got 3 articles to write. any1 wants to volunteer being interviewed about IMF? pls stand out. thank u v much. haha. i am quite stuck abt 229. esp the sound one. hope that kenneth will do better than me.

today, i heard the most romantic sentence i ever heard someone say to me in my 20 years. dunno why but it just struck me as so sincere and loving. i am going to write it down.

i think sometimes its hard to move on if we keep going back in a circle. so i hope that we can avoid things that are related so that we dont have to face it anymore, so that we can move on.
sometimes i think i am quite successful already. maybe time does heal wounds. i guess now i know much much clearer what i want, and i hope nothing causes me to waiver again. but of cuz i still ponder why i ever acted that way. it was a painful lesson, it is still sometimes. the fear comes and goes.. regret is always going to be there. but i think i got no other choice but to continue moving on this path which i think i am slowly getting back on track..

its getting easier to forget, getting easier to not think abt it, getting easier that sometimes at happy moments, its so easy to feel as if it was all a dream that nv really happened. i wish.

i hope that day will come, that day when i will have the token stamped on my forehead. i am looking forward to it everyday. i miss it so much.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

Wednesday, September 06, 2006 1:25 AM

thought of the day: is it easier to say through words or express through affections?

a few incidents that happened today (not to me, or on me) suddenly made me ponder upon the above.. its like as a friend, should i express and offer comfort thru words such as Dont be so sad.. (which i sometimes feel is redundant cuz its not so easy to not be sad) or should i just reach out to hug the person and make them feel better? dunno why it was much harder to do the second.. its not as if we are not close.. in fact, i feel v comfortable talking to her tho i may not know her for v long.. but maybe i just din noe hw others mite react if u try to give them a hug.. haha.. i mean, some ppl may b very stiff.. and it makes it feel awkward.. yet some other frens, u can just hug and squeeze them without hesitation (at tis pt, i think of jia'en and rachel) haha..

seems like so much has happened recently. got to know a v v v sad piece of news.. sort of confirmed the news rather, since i all along knew it.. only a matter of when its gg to happen. i will surely really miss that friend.. i was really so sad and depressed aft tt.. all the tears just flowed out plus tears for other matters.. or maybe PMS.. ya, and den i suddenly felt transported back into that time after FOC ended, and i was alone in the room v sad also. erm yah and cried tt time too. so it made me feel worse that nite.. all the bad memories seem to come back to haunt me.. and still rmb siting caught me with red eyes tt nite.. haha..

strange tt i m mentioning names, yet not mentioning names. (ignore this. i just find it very amusing and ironic)

anyway its been quite sometime since i had time to blog. last sat i finally did go for DND, and i must say i didnt regret la.. cuz i won the lucky draw for the 1st tme in my 20 years! haha.. jk la, it was cuz of the chance to gather with the foc people, and csbs (- shuhui) and many others too, and see everyone all dressed up for the occasion. anyway my lucky draw no. was 8139.. and it was so funny cuz just a few secs b4 tat, i was telling jiahong if i win lucky draw i will scream lor! den the next ting i heard was 8139. den i was abit lagging, and thking 'hey that sounds familar', and den the next thing i knew, a loud yep (scream sounds as if i m in some crime show) escaped my mouth. so embarrassing and unglam i know. but well, it just happened too quickly. haha. i was so excited and happy to go on stage to collect my prize that i just hold on to prof jessie's hand w/o realizing we're supposed to take a photo tog. so the excited me had my back to the photographer 3/4 of the time; think they must all have been exasperated with me!

and i think white wine taste better than red wine! i want to go develop all my photos soon, including those at sentosa! :P

btw, i m quite sad cuz i dropped my phone just nw. my 1-mth-plus-old hp.. sad.. din noe wx's keys were intertwined with the strap on my hp, so i pulled the keys, and next ting i noe, the hp was under wx's bed.. wa flew so far.. it hung for awhile.. hope this fall wont cause another future problems..

alot of assignments man.. one presentation next monday, one assignment due tis friday, another 1 due in 2 more weeks, and 1 more new one also due 2 weeks later! wow. i have my hands full. not counting the quizzes.. and midterm.. argh.. hope midterm quizzes are after the recess week.

such a long day today, 830 to 630 full of lessons.. den hurried lunch and dinner and then went to mac lab to do 226 assignment due tis friday.. speaking of 226, my tutor is publishing a book, and he asked us to help him proof read for any mistakes during tutorial. i spotted one small punctuation mistake by luck (just whether the fullstop is outside " or inside.) and i won myself his book that will have his signature. okay i noe he is not any stars (refering to those idols, singers, actors etc) but i admire his work, his attitude, and like his teaching style. and the book is worth $100, so i really dont mind getting the book to see see look look. haha.

oh, and yest $10 dropped from heaven! i mean literally. God answered my prayer for money! haha.. Thank God cuz I found $10 out of nowhere just outside my door. how lucky is tat? i was v happy.. haha..

my updates are rather not in chronological order cuz i just type wat i remember had happened to me.. haha..

think thats abt it.. duno will have time to blog so often anot. feel like tis sem is passing super super fast leh.. gg to be recess le.. super strange!

i want to escape, and put down everything, but the irony is i also find myself wanting to return to wat i want to run away from. i guess the explanation is passion, and love. For people you love, for things you love and want to do and achieve.

Signing off,
no more ink.

0 wore their hearts on their sleeves

on repeat mode

Leona Lewis Lyrics

mine

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