a moment to remember

~songs in my head~

没有地球太阳还是会绕.

But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you.

I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah

~ MOTTO ~
:: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. ::

~ THOUGHTS ~
By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28)

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

"God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21)

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

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:: juz taking a moment to remember ::

Thursday, July 17, 2008 12:23 AM

my running thots

typed these a few days ago...

sometimes the most understanding or sympathetic person or the best listening ear u can turn to is a stranger
(ie. some1 u met on IRC, which was why i like talking on IRC anonymously)
because strangers they dont know you and u can tell them ur entire life story, ur regrets, etc and they wont (or cant) judge u because they dont have a face and personality to match the stories
sometimes those who make u feel like u can tell them anything and they wont judge you, they are not ur closest friend/lover/family
bcuz the closer u are to someone, the more afraid u are to risk telling them something and have them judge u for ur actions/tots/feelings.. hence u bottle them up and hide from them
but u wont hesitate to tell strangers/acquaintances
the best kind of listener is someone whom u knw u can say almost anything and they will not judge u
in my life, i think wenxin wins the best listener award
she has listened so much to me, and i dared bare my heart & soul to her much more than to anyone else
because i know and feel comfortable telling her.. and she will accept what i said/done and advise me if need be...
she reminds me why i am where i am.. and the one time i dint tell her something whn i really shd, it led to a mistake/regret.
thank u wenxin for being my best friend

i dont know why
but i just feel i dont expect so much this time round
with low or no expectations one will never feel disappointed or sad
one will not feel as if his/her value is only so much
and i think i am more selfish than before

it is truly a blessing to receive more than to give more
maybe i had my way too much last time
or maybe circumstances are just not as 'lucky' this time round (oh what wld i give to have that kind of circumstance now)
that is why being independent is good and not relying too much on others
that way we will never be disappointed because we can manage ourselves but we cannot control others
when u become too reliant, u flare up or are affected when u dont get to see the other person, and it all happens cuz u acty miss that person too much
hence maybe i shall just learn to give more and expect less and be more independent
this way, i can feel gracious and not be disappointed
cuz i really hate it when two people start to compare what they have done, sacrifices they each made, and accuse each other of not putting enough effort, and of feeling that i am not worth your time/money/whatever
everything we do, the sacrifices we made, shd all be from our heart and we shdnt be calculative

i must never take anything for granted again
really, never
one mistake is enough for one to look back and learn
and now all i can say to myself is 'dont compare'
maybe sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side for some areas
but definitely there are some other patches that are greener on your own side
you just have to open your eyes to the good
and shut an eye to the bad

really, i will give my best shot, but will my best be enough
just like sometimes u want to score an A, u give ur best thinking with your best u can score that A
but sadly, sometimes your best is just not enough, and you have to settle for a B.

sometimes i wonder what if 30 yrs later when everything is settled, and den i find out that a certain trait is intolerable, what would i do and feel? esp if i have all along known it existed, but yet i either chose to ignore it, or thought it wont be that big a deal...
will i scold myself for being foolish and not let it go 30 yrs ago. or will i just shrug and try to live with it, since a decision had already been made.. and nth much can change anyway

recently i feel i dont know who to turn to when i feel emotional
thoughts will run through my mind
images will flash
i feel sad and nostalgic about leaving and starting a new 'life' again as a student
but i dont know who to express these feelings to, to get the kind of comfort i want...
i dont even know if i need a listening ear or just someone who will hug me and make me feel better
abt anything in the world
i guess i am bad with changes
once i adapt to something, i feel weird to change
i feel suffocated thinking about the upcoming future
alot on my hands
be it fyp, foc, friends, bf, OGD, graduation or what...
it just seems like i dont have my freedom and time anymore
as i grow older, more of me is wanted/needed
i need to breath
but yet i need all these to occupy me

what a dilemma

today:
just read this girl's blog.. she's the gf of the NSF who passed away during army training in Brunei.. i teared when reading because all her posts were so poignant and full of emotion. it really made me feel ashamed of myself in the past when i felt so much sadness and pity blah just because of a breakup... she is going through the kind of pain that no one would ever want to know how it feels, it is a worse kind of departure than what i went through. no chance of saying goodbye not because the person broke up with you, but no chance because he's no longer around. and it is sudden and unexpected. the last post before she posted about her feelings after the bf passed away, she still wrote '4 more days before seeing him!'.. and siting was saying it was just a difference of one blog post.. and i agreed, life is indeed so unpredictable and it is times like these whereby i really wonder 'What if it was me?' and i just shuddered at the thought of imagining myself in her shoes.

i feel it is not as cruel if the person is her husband because they would so-called have had the chance to get married and live their lives togt for a period of time. but it is really cruel to take away boyfriends/girlfriends esp at such young age (ie. 20) because it is at 20, that we often believe that what we have is true love, and we are full of hopes and dreams of the shared future, of getting married, of going overseas togt, doing new things togt, and most of all, just really enjoying the feeling and experience of being in love, and having someone who really dotes and pampers on you like no-one else would.

i remember back when i was really down over the breakup with zhiwei, i rmb consoling myself by saying that 'at least he is still around' and we are not saying 'goodbye' as if he's dead or i am dead. we will still see each other, maybe be friends again, etc... and now thinking back, i am really glad that it was JUST a breakup and yes, it is permanent, but nothing is more permanent than death. i feel really sad and sorry for that girl, and i think it is something that will really haunt her for a long long time to come. they were also togt for 4 yrs, and i can just imagine those memories, photos that are still around, and things that will just pop into her mind and jolt those emotions... just like how it was for me last time, but hers is worse because she will never have closure.. i wondered if the bf can see/hear her words to him.. i hope so because it is heart wrenching when two people in love are forced apart by something as unknown and uncertain as death. i bet she has more questions that i ever did - where is he, can he hear her, does he even exist in the afterworld (if there is one), etc...

and because i am feeling really shocked and overwhelmed by her sadness and the cruelty of this matter, i want to take this chance to say to noel chan:

thank you darling for being with me, as much as i may be moody/unhappy at times for no reason, but u have tried your best to put up with me. though we have had many tough times but we have seen improvements in our communication and the ride is smoother now.. theres still many many things to know and do with each other, and i want to experience those with you. somehow and unknowingly u landed into my life, very very unexpectedly but i hope that each time we see each other, it will never be the last time.. it will never be goodbye, it will be see you. be safe, and i love you.

and to my friends.. thank you for being my friends, esp those who have given me more support and love. :)

see you see you see you see you,
PC!

Labels: growing up, i have atrocious friends, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind