Tuesday, February 19, 2008 6:06 PM

Somersault (Love can turn you upside down) - i want to watch this film.

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well

That, for all they care, I can go to hell,

But on earth indifference is the least

We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am

Of stars that do not give a damn,

I cannot, now I see them, say

I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,

I should learn to look at an empty sky

And feel its total dark sublime,

Though this might take me a little time.

The more loving one - W.H. Auden

reading one of this blog's earliest entries (waayyy back in 2003, gosh!) i saw the following paragraph. it was written for someone else back then. then it struck me, on hindsight, that when you are in the situation, it always seems and feels like you are stuck there forever. but give it some time, and things will change and move on.

I don't wanna find somebody new
I dont think I will find somebody new
Someone who made my days as great as u did
Someone who was my pillar of strength
If someday, in some dream we meet again
Baby do i have a chance to speak to u again
Bcuz reality is too harsh for me
I know that if i were to say 'i love u' now
It's already too late
If someday, your feelings for me return
Will you hold me as tightly as before
And love me without our past grudges

interesting how the same para can be used over and over again on different people. it still applies today. without me changing a single world. although it made me feel sad, that i feel the same way again, but it also gives me a little hope, that despite me thking this way last time, i still managed to move on, so i feel abit optimistic that this time, i will too.. eventually.. but perhaps take longer.

some people say, you dont move on fully until you meet the next person. is that true? i have a gut feeling yes. also because all relationships inevitably end up with someone feeling disappointed, sad, betrayed or angry. only when someone else comes along and manages to somehow convince you that it is worth taking a risk in exchange for happiness, joy, bliss and love again, will you forget the past. but then again, i hope it doesnt always work this way. it will take too long for me to move on then cuz i dont think i have the luck to meet someone new out of nowhere again. and also i was young then, 17? i feel like i am running out of time, and i ran out of luck. my plans to get married at 26, etc.. they have become dreams instead. haha

i guess deep down anybody's heart, is a desire and craving to be loved, and love in return. we dont want unrequited love, and worse of all, we dont want to love others without their reciprocation. i was talking to eunice about how hard it seems to find love after people start working, since we see that our colleagues spend so much time in the office. and it got me a lil scared that i will have to be single all my life. or is it true that people have to lower their expectations as they get older?

recently i also really understood why people said studying is better than working. indeed, u can get your own self-declared off days and not attend classes, and you can OTOT for your projects. but for us, no such things as school holidays/recess, and everyday its just like a mundane 8 hour routine to go through. each day now i wake up and think 'again?? again?? (that i m gg off to work.) and every night i go to bed, i will think 'again? i have to wake at 7 am again?'.. weekends are my only relief nowadays, not counting sunday, in fact.. i work 6 out of 7 days. really tired. but not like i have much to occupy me if i dont work also. my friends are all busy with quiz and projects, so no going out. sometimes i wish i was not on PI. haha. plus now me and siting feel very removed from hall. seeing the yr1s so active and popular now reminds me of last time.. i guess its their glory now, just like we once were.

and i actually went jogging on monday! ran non-stop 7 rounds round the park near my house. thats like quite an achievement for me considering i have NOT JOGGED for like at least 3 years after jc, and i only aimed for 3 rounds? haha. i also climbed the stairs, did sit-ups and other stuff. it felt quite good to perspire but today my left leg aches. wanted to jog yesterday but wasnt feeling well, so i didnt. maybe i will go today after foc meeting.. or tml.. maybe i can acty channel my energy into something useful haha

another interesting thing is within 2 or 3 days, i dropped items into the toilet bowl 3 times. it just happened when i went in just now and i heard this loud clonk into the bowl. i realised its the button of my dress! its like, no warnings that it was gg to fall off. then i started laughing as i realised this is the 3rd time (lucky wasnt my hp or what) and i went out to tell eunice. and then we went in again, and my supervisor then came out. i asked her abt it, she laughed and said yah she was wondering whose button was that. so its gone down the drain or sth now. :(

funny right. now i should close the toilet bowl everytime i dont have to use it.

btw i tot of a new name i like to change my blog to, but i dont think its time yet, still like mintyvintage. sigh~ the new name initials is lbf, what an apt name for everything.

Signing off,
life goes on.

Labels: dreams, growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind