a moment to remember

~songs in my head~

没有地球太阳还是会绕.

But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you.

I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah

~ MOTTO ~
:: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. ::

~ THOUGHTS ~
By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28)

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

"God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21)

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Hit Counters

:: juz taking a moment to remember ::

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 11:13 AM

one last time, i hope x 100000

i know i said no more such posts, but i am really feeling terrible now. and this is my only avenue. i m not happy, therefore my posts are not happy either. but well, its my blog.

after the last phone call yest, it was abit of closure i guess. said the things i really wanted to say for so long, even tho i might have said them endless times, but just one last time yest as closure, i hope, and goodbye. people ought to be able to know and hear that they were loved deeply by someone whom they matter alot to. though it was really not the closure i wanted or envisaged (stayover or merlion) but thats the best i could get out of the situation.

i admit, it was very very painful yest, its been sometime since i cried like that, i suspect that its not that i dont have tears or capacity to cry, but i could only release them to the right person. like the cliche says, the person who makes u cry is also the only person who can stop you from crying. i still found comfort in him yest. although the sadness was also overwhelming. i meant everything i said, but i couldnt hide that i am very sad (understatement), and it hurts me to think and imagine i m letting you go with someone else, and that maybe it will be forever for u and her. that one day i have to say congrats to you to the person i thought i wld marry, but instead see him marry someone else. to think you are doing things that u did with me with someone else, like cooking, talking, even eating...going the places we went before... and i miss seeing you smile at me, and how your smile makes everything seem okay... (i need to stop, but i need to get these out of my system...)

i felt abit of resolute and relief this morning, maybe from knowing this is the ultimate hurt, and there could be nothing more that i could possibly know that will hurt. but i think the sadness and the fear and the helplessness of not knowing i could get over this, how i could be happy, is really burdening me.

and recently, things haven been going well for PI, cuz i always have nothing to do. i feel useless, and like i m not learning.. i dont even have anything to observe. each day at work, i feel like i really might as well stay at home. theres so little to occupy myself now.

maybe my friend is right about me being depressed. but with PI taking up the bulk of my time, i really have no time to sort things, and worse, i dont know how to. to think or not to think. does anyone have any solutions, cuz i have none. maybe i just need time, lots and lots of it. i need to be stronger, more determined, more forward-looking. its time to tear away the neoprint that has one dog-eared corner, tho i still very bu she de. but maybe i have been dragging my feet in this for too long, too long.

i had the whole world in my hands, but i gave it away.
once i meant the world to you, but now i mean only one person to you.

i need to think more OPTIMISTICALLY. stop thinking about the good times, those only make me very sad now. okay, be more POSITIVE...

i shd just end here, and i thought of changing my blog, but i haven come up with a name i like more than mintyvintage. hmm, who has suggestions. haa. acty i dont know why i want to change it also. partly i want you to read, partly i dont, so that u dont see i m so weak. secretly i think i still hope for that marginal chance that u will be back in my life. see, i m hopeless.. i dont know why i love u so much. very silly. and i acty thk we are very compatible tho u dont think so. maybe i am just stubborn, or self-deluding (which is worse) but i will remember for a long time to come, as much about you, as i possibly could. if it cld hurt me this much, i dont think its just puppy love..

i've sort of gotten over the habits (not seeing you every weekend, not talking to you like before.. tho i still miss them terribly), but i haven gotten over the deep sense of loss, over someone who was such a big part of my life. but tigger will always, i hope, continue to be part of my life, just as a physical reminisce of whatever we had. i'm sure he misses u. (This prob sounds loony to everyone, but its okay)

thats it... i will try. one day i will read this post and laugh at myself for being stupid to think i cannot move on. i started with you by deciding to take a risk, it ended like this, but i dont regret. i just have to take another risk with the nx person i guess.

Signing off,
no more ink.

Labels: dreams, growing up, if love wasnt so atrocious I would have stayed blind