~songs in my head~
没有地球太阳还是会绕.But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you. I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah ~ MOTTO ~ :: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. :: ~ THOUGHTS ~ By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28) For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. "God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21) "I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Hit Counters |
:: juz taking a moment to remember ::
Saturday, August 16, 2008 7:30 PM
we dream about it from time to time I always liked to read other people's blogs. Perhaps its the voyeuristic nature in me, or just a curiosity of how other girls keep up with their lives, what they wear, what they do, how they deal with stuff. Sometimes they are reflective and keep me thinking or pondering about certain issues. in short, i find blog-reading something that provokes my thought process. Esp blogs with girls who are going through breakups/heartaches or friendships degeneration/losses. it sounds sadistic, but i dont mean that i enjoy reading about their sadness. what i mean is that i tend to get emotional and can empathise with them esp aft what i have gone through. sometimes they affect me and makes me appreciate or treasure what/who i have at the moment. I was just reading my cs senior's blog. and was really quite surprised that she and the bf just broke up last mth or so. though she din give away any clues of what happened, but there was self reproach and alot of questioning, alot of reflections and going down memory lane kinda stuff. its so sad and cruel, i feel, when a relationship ends, for whatsoever reason(s). usually, when a r/s starts, two people are all smiles, very happy and basking in the glory of love. however, most of the times, r/s doesnt end happily/mutually. one side is usually more affected, and its only very rare that both sides go away happily and decide that they are better off being friends. Why is it so hard to let go, and think that you might be better off without him/her, and that you would still meet someone else? i have pondered this before, and today i think i have got a hypothesis. it is because of the saying "once bitten, twice shy". it is probably not because we really wont be able to find some1 else who loves us as much, or be able to give out our love again. it is instead, due to the innate fear that if this scenario (of us meeting some1 special but somehow it ended, so cruelly and so filled with sadness/anger) could happen once, it could jolly well happen twice, thrice, again. hence, even when we find some1 else to love and be loved, somewhere inside us, we tend to feel insecure, worried that one day that scenario would manifest, once again, and hurt us deeply. But as we all know, love is a risk, its a gamble that we have to take. because all humans just desire and crave for someone to call our own, our special someone. and it all boils down to our need to be assured that we are special too. and sometimes, when things end, we rather they didnt happen in the first place because the memory and knowledge that it ended in that particular way just taints the memory of the good times together and we feel as if we've been cheated/blindfolded, and the time came for you to know so. it just reduces the meaning of everything two people shared from meaningful to shallow, vague and worthless memories that lie somewhere in the back of our mind, waiting to be triggered into recall from time to time. when a beautiful story starts, we only want it to have no 'end'ing. if it has an ending, somehow its never the ending we truly want and it just feels weird that all the shared dreams, secrets, and memories would now never be achieved, completed, mentioned or relished again. just like a taboo subject. very philosophical isnt it. haha. haven wrote like this for sometime. but yeah it feels good to write down all my thoughts. somehow saying it out loud to someone else isnt the same. cuz it will be subjected to their understanding. anyway, i shall blog about my 22nd birthday first, then foc, then taiwan... this year, i spent my birthday quite different from the past years.. but still it was very sweet of darling to give me Dior perfume at the strike of midnight when it begun and a bday card and candle to light up my hall room when it was ending. the card's contents was very touching and i teared. he was happy cuz he finally made true his promise to make me shed 'tears of joy' haha. hey but dont forget i sheded many tears of sadness hor! so must make equal and give me more surprises so i have more tears of joy. :D wenxin was also very sweet and made me 2 rolls of sushi wor to represent my becoming of 22 years old. then nx year leh?? i want a cheesecake too hor! make for ws only! :D this year, however, it was also quite sad because i didnt get to celebrate in hall, and it was supposed to be my last bday year in hall. i must say that i was disappointed ba, and i wondered where were my so-called gd friends.. or maybe because the past 2 years, and esp my 21st last year, was so hyped up and much celebrated that this year really pales in contrast. but well i just feel kinda sore ba. not to mention, there were also some friends who suddenly canceled the meetup with me n wx without even informing me.. but at least i still met up with shuen and en to celebrate all our bdays! (only poor wx so left out cuz she's october baby). also, some people din remember my birthday this year, and one is repeat offender! (will scold him on his bday this year). but rachel did email me all the way from USA, so that was very joyful :) i also got a sms from zhiwei, but his happy birthday msg was followed by a 'hope i din rmb wrongly' statement which pissed me off plus made me a lil sad. angry because its a redundant statement as if to challenge me, you are not that significant anymore. sad because maybe it is really true that he cant rmb le.. considering he spent 4 bdays with me before, that is really atrocious and unbelievable, but well, men will be men. heartless and forgetful after breakups, no matter how much they loved you in the past. its really true leh, till now i still rem the bdays of all my ex-bfs, from the first to zhiwei. i hope i will always rmb noel's bday but as someone special, rather than someone from my past. speaking of zhiwei, i saw him in JP on thurs while waiting for wenxin. at first it was just a glimpse but as i got off the escalator i saw his side view. but he disappeared quickly so i smsed him and he said it was so qiao and what was i doing there, etc. at that time i just felt that it was kinda an 'interesting scenario' cuz last time we used to go JP tog, but now we are 'separates'. then subsequently i went to shop ard and went back to photocopy receipts at B1 and saw him and his friend buying cake. my first reaction was to walk the other way but after that somehow i just decided to go say hi. and i felt very good and pleased with myself after that cuz i feel like i faced fear in the face and all i thought of when i made eye contact of him, was my piggychan. :) it really felt good to know that even if i bumped into him in NTU again, i will hold my head high and just say hi. of cuz if he was with his gf, i prob wont say hi cuz i dont think i wld like to be in that awkward scenario. its not very pleasant to meet the girl who got tog with him shortly after we ended, i would think. but well, i also realised though his face was familiar, there was this distance and i dont have much to say to him, its like 'you're someone else's bf, an acquaintance lor'. and when i saw him, somehow i felt that he wasnt that gd looking to me anymore, and i seemed to be picking out his flaws. maybe when you dont love someone anymore, you realise how they seem less perfect than when you loved them. but i guess when in love, you are just blind to any flaws. i concluded this cuz when i look at our past photos, there is really no denial of the happiness we shared from our genuine smiles. thats why i love photos, they dont lie and they always serve as a physical representation and evidence of those particular moments. alright then there was FOC. my last FOC already but somehow i didnt enjoy it much, it felt more like going through a motion. i dint join the freshies much also, no one else from the main comm really did, unlike the past years. so i guess the involvement was not satisfying for me, both from the organising point of view, and the execution part. and not to mention, the new SAO ticketing rules also made it very troublesome for me in the accounts. just hope that we can claim out as much as we can ba though i personally dont think anyone, esp subcommers, deserves to be reimbursed, for we have done so little canvassing this year for FOC; we didnt increase camp fees for 6 days camp, we didnt collect camp fee for snr camp, and we even had BBQ food and alot of early nights/late mornings. but yeah i hope all these will resolve soon, i hate to deal with so many numbers and i want to spend my time studying, not doing hall stuff in my last year. on another note, its sad to think that my 4 years in hall has flew and now its my turn to step down and retire... it seems just like yesterday that i moved into hall and was a 'goondu'. sigh... okay now taiwan trip! will post pictures of everything another day... the trip was fun in the sense that taiwan's stuff are so damn cheap!! i swear to go back there to sweep up all the shoes and clothes again lor! hahaha. i bought 6 pairs of shoes for SGD72 only, and their clothes are like $10-$20 only.. i regret not buying enough! shd have bought that knee high gladiators sandals! saw someone wearing tht day, sigh so nice. but my mama asked me not to buy shoes anymore cuz she say i have so many and to hide them when i came back from TW, so my papa wont scold. haha.. :D but when they are so cheap.. its just impossible not to buy. oh and i also bought like 20 masks, one only 40cents leh.. how not to buy! nx time i probably go there buy 100 pcs. lol... hmm, cuz we went with other middle-aged/old folks so the company was really boring for me and also felt very lonely and left out with no1 to talk to.. sian.. taiwan's snacks are also pretty yummy and we also went to see some ah mei zu performances and the best sight in taiwan was probably the oceans (dont know South Chinea Sea or Pacific Ocean but they were a splendid sight. so boundless and huge and blue OMG sentosa waters seem so man-made in contrast).. i wanna go taiwan for grad trip man! as for fyp, there were 2 kinda positive replies from the companies we approached le, so hopefully things will turn out to be agreements to collaborate with us very soon! *pray hard hard* i m very enthu and optimistic that our campaign will be a gr8 one as long as we get a client who will sponsor us :) kk, finally blogged about all the recent happenings. time for dinner! time to start studying too, i am so not used to being a student again. just want to graduate and go to work! haha. goodbye or see you, I'll be your best kept secret or your biggest mistake. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves <$BlogItemCommentCount$> Comments:<$BlogCommentBody$> By <$BlogCommentAuthor$>, at <$BlogCommentDateTime$> <$BlogCommentDeleteIcon$> |
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