~songs in my head~
没有地球太阳还是会绕.But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you. I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah ~ MOTTO ~ :: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. :: ~ THOUGHTS ~ By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28) For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. "God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21) "I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Hit Counters |
:: juz taking a moment to remember ::
Sunday, October 15, 2006 7:16 PM
if time was a commodity... this morning, my sister said she was going to thailand soon, and asked me what i lacked (so she cld buy for me). at that time, i said nothing, cuz i know even tho i say that she will still come back with something for me. but then, just secs after i replied, i realised i was indeed lacking sth, but it was sth she cant buy from thailand or anywhere else in the world back for me. it was time. if time was a commodity, i believe i wld work hard to pay for it. i believe too that it would be a very expensive commodity. the time i refer to here, not only means more than 24 hrs a day, or more than 7 days per week so i can keep up with my notes and still do my projects. it also refers to the ability to go back to a certain period of time, or fast forward to a certain part of the future. but i met someone today, and this incident makes me "bu xiang zhang da" literally. i met bebe jiejie, she's my nai ma's (nanny) daughter. at first i was stunned to see her, afterwards i was confused and in a dilemma whether to go talk to her more or not. so i kept myself busy at the stall. but eventually all the customers disappeared, and she waved me over. so yea, i went over. she was with her husband and daughter. i felt a sense of melancholy and at the same time, fondness when i saw her. also fear. fear cuz the bebe jiejie infront of me was no longer the image of the hip trendy professional working lady dressed in black formal officewear i stored of her when i was perhaps 7? now i see a rather more 'meaty' woman who has aged, who now works part-time at popular, no longer so youthful, tiredness in her face, she wears plain t-shirt and shorts, feeding her daughter of 7 years old. but its not just her. its the conversation we were having. we were talking about singapore govt, LKY, politics (she asked if i wld vote for PAP - and i said yes.), where she stays now, what the flats of sengkang are like, etc. its such a grownup conversation. its all so strange, cuz just as she saw me grow up, i saw her morph from her 20s to her 40s? to a wife, to a mother. to her growing old. and it thus led to my old fear arising. about growing old. abt illness and having to toil just for kids and life itself. sometimes i think adults have pathetic lives. i mean children and teens are kept busy with school for abt 20 years cuz we know that will help us make more $$, get a job, etc when we turn into adults. (i always wondered what really defines the transition from a child to adult? physical? independence?) but when we really survived the schooling stage and go to work as adults, what in life do we look forward to? u can say that there is still life to work for, to make money to live, to spend, blah.. but what happens when u live till ur 70s and 80s. whereby u have already seen much of this world (till u prob get sick of it), till u cant keep up with the changes, till you may be so old and weak (if not laden with illness) that u cant really do much. is life and growing old really abt waiting for death? (not saying that death may necessarily be a bad thing) sometimes its hard to reconcile with some people whom you used to know so well, and were so close to, but then due to circumstances or watever, u all drift apart. one day down the road, you bump into them again, and u are swarmed with questions of 'shd we talk? will there be anything common to talk abt after sooo long?' i am thankful that nai ma is still 'ok'. part of my confusion whether to go talk to bebe jiejie is cuz i was afraid to hear bad news. i have been procrastinating for too long. i must really go visit nai ma this holidays. before she forgets me. if she hasnt. and i saw a baby. he was 6 mths old. really cute. he was so full of life, and innocence. thats prob the reason i love babies. their faces dont depict the harsh reality of life. i think the 'form' of humans i love most would be babies. haha. so if time was a commodity, i would have bought some to go back to the past. when i was young. so that we could talk silly topics, so that i cld behave like a child. so that i cld still live in their house, and so that ah bei and nai ma would still take care of me so lovingly, and we could still have the 'you-2-are-my-2nd-father-&-mother' conversation. i miss that time so much. i miss being doted on like a child. i miss being scolded by my mother for not sticking to my 7pm curfew, miss having restricted freedom (u may thk i m crazy.. but well..). i miss just being a daughter who has to be taken care of, rather than a daughter who has to be so independent now, and who has to bear these adult like responsibilities and expectations. end of essay on if time was a commodity.. haha.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves <$BlogItemCommentCount$> Comments:<$BlogCommentBody$> By <$BlogCommentAuthor$>, at <$BlogCommentDateTime$> <$BlogCommentDeleteIcon$> |
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