~songs in my head~
没有地球太阳还是会绕.But I don’t care what they say. I’m in love with you. I just wanna fall and lose myself Laughing so hard it hurts like hell Forget about everything and run away, yeah ~ MOTTO ~ :: if you have tried your best, there's no need for regrets. :: ~ THOUGHTS ~ By ourselves we are too weak to hold our own even for a moment. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28) For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. "God has given, God has taken, blessed be the name of God" (Job 1:21) "I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Hit Counters |
:: juz taking a moment to remember ::
Friday, June 02, 2006 2:00 PM
its a wreck, friday. i just dunno how to describe my feelings now. i can have such bizzare dreams they scare AND shock me at times. and just last night, i pray the dream angel wouldnt visit me!! but she still did. i woke up and actually slapped myself.. to make sure i was awake.. and told myself dreams are just dreams. but still, i have been feeling bad.. i think i have to be the bad guy.. if not, its not being fair to everyone.. but it is really very odd to have to purposely avoid others. it feels like i am forcing things to return to maybe in Jan or Feb.. and this morning, i tot of ry again. we haven set up a date to go out tog, but then i keep thking things like "wld it be okay to go out at nite since she has a baby le?" cuz to me, if i am a mother, i will feel damn irresponsible if i go out and have fun and leave my child behind (even if she mite be 2 young to know.. but imagine a baby keep crying for the mother..).. and i have no idea how attached will a 20 yr old be with her baby.. and tot abt the freedom that has to be given up.. returning home to take care of the baby, working to save $$ for her future etc.. it makes me feel all the more determined.. that i dun wanna be a young mother.. not that i wanna be an old hen lah. haha. but i mean at least not before 25. to imagine myself getting married and having to be committed all my life, in truth, makes me a lil scared too. i am not thinking along the lines of "i cannot flirt or have wat extra-marital affairs, or late nights with my frens, and all those singlehood advantages" rather.. i sometimes do not trust myself.. i dont wanna to hurt my future husband.. not thinking in terms of the next 10 years. but maybe like 20 years after marriage.. what if life's burdens and child-bearing has got me all down and the love just fades away? or what if he neglects me and prefers the children and then someone else treats me very kindly at the office or wherever? its just kinda scary to know that my life.. and my friends' maybe, will travel this journey in the next 10 years. things like friendship may change.. and leave me wondering if this is really life.. where people come and go.. thus the only person who may always be there for u is ur husband or wife. thats probably why alot of people's world crash when their spouse leave them.. its like, the one most reliable and trustworthy person also betrays u or what.. its like the saddest thing that can happen. why am i being so pessimistic again? haiz.. i dunno.. some relationships.. (refering to friendships too).. i just cannot see them in the same way anymore. i dun even think it will be of help to voice out what i feel (mayb jealousy or sadness, etc) to that fren. cuz no1 can do anything also. but when i noe or hear of certain things, the hurt and sadness i feel.. i just can keep to myself. and smile to that fren and say oh okay.. or enjoy urself.. whatever.. i know i cannot be a possessive friend.. but its hard to not want to possess some of ur friends.. u just cant bear to see them too happy with others and not rely on u 100% anymore. or maybe its cuz u cant be relied on 100% tats why things changed. maybe i gotta examine myself. i just really hope that next sem, things wont be like in sem1 in hall.. i will be really miserable.. and probably keep to myself again.. haiz.. going to watch X-men tonite.. i think.. if we can get seats.. hope i dn fall asleep.. its nt that type of movie i will go to watch usually.. haha.. Signing off, no more ink. 0 wore their hearts on their sleeves <$BlogItemCommentCount$> Comments:<$BlogCommentBody$> By <$BlogCommentAuthor$>, at <$BlogCommentDateTime$> <$BlogCommentDeleteIcon$> |
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